Gentle readers, the winds of change swirl about our dazed and tousled heads, and change we shall undertake. Yesterday, I listed my Toshiba laptop for sale on Craigslist. “But why?” you have certainly, by now, gasped in quiet desperation. I’m done with it, done with it all. The spam, the pornography, the viruses, the shoddy, intellectually vapid political blogs, the pornography, stolen intellectual property, internet dating, “god loves you” chain emails, “god hates you” chain emails, dancing pickles, the pornography, “furries,” penis enlargement and, of course, the pornography…. I’m done with it all. I am officially exiting the Internet, stage right. No more advertisements for cheaper pharmaceuticals, no more pop-up banners for websites playing to my wanton desire to urinate on horses, no more emails from family member with animated GIFs of waving flags and acrobatic teddy bears, no more.

I’m free. I’m finally free.

Okay, that’s not true. I’m selling my laptop because I’ve been eyeing this SWEET Averatec 6000 for the last few weeks and the price is almost too good to pass up. I mean it’s got everything: 15” screen, Pentium 4, 3.0 GHz, DVD burner, AND built-in wireless. This thing is two generational improvements away from being able to get tomato sauce stains out of my jeans WHILE stimulating me to full climax. If things keep on their current track, I’ll be able to fly back to Boston and marry this damned thing.

I undertook the painstaking process of writing a truthful, if slightly embellished, but altogether very convincing post on CL. I listed all my computer’s wonderful qualities; it’s rugged exterior, it’s reliable moving parts, and the fact that the douche-bag that sold it to me opted for the “thank you sir, may I have another” four-year extended warranty, of which there are six months left.

As I clicked the “post” button, I almost heard my little Toshiba sigh. I was heartbroken, and I placed my hand upon the little tyke and comforted him, assuring that he would go to a good home, and would never be used for the purposes of evil, like burning Phish CDs or watching Vin Diesel movies. As my caressed my old friend, I thought about the sleek, sexy magnesium-alloy casing of the Averatec, and had to turn away to wipe away the drool with my sleeve.

I went into the office this morning and opened my email box, expecting a flood of messages, like Santa in “Miracle on 34th Street,” from people lined around the block to provide a caring, loving home for my companion, for the paltry sum of $500.00. I was greeted with only one. His name was Jason, and his brief correspondence read thusly:

“would you be interested in trading for a ak-47?”

I was stunned. The wad of bran muffin I was chewing fell directly into my lap.

Does Jason have a few extra assault rifles around, prompting him to scour the local bulletin boards for opportunities to barter with them?? Or, perhaps, he’s a hardened criminal who has decided to give up his life of violent, AK-47 related crime, and commit to a life of web-design or creative writing…

Putting aside the ridiculousness of someone trying to give a total stranger an illegal firearm in exchange for a notebook computer, the part that really scares me is where he makes reference to “a ak-47.” Certainly, basic grammar is probably beyond your average purveyor of Russian made machine-guns, but somehow this minor infraction of MLA standards troubles me endlessly.