Face The Fax

I have a new job that requires me to be on the road all the time. Consequently, I spend a lot of time in a hotel room being bored. This means I spend a great deal of time online. The funny thing about the internet is that it’s so huge, and encompasses so much information, unless you know specifically what you're looking for, there’s almost no way to decide where to start.

After reading all my regular websites, news sites and blogs, I find myself staring at the Food Network watching Alton Brown (my own.. personal... Jesus) grilling what can only be described as the most delicious-looking pork chops ever prepared by man. The unfortunate part is I'm usually eating a Hot Pocket, though, thankfully, not tasting said Hot-Pocket because the “cheese” that squirted out of the rock-hard end of the "bread" has completely destroyed my mouth.

The amazing bit is that with all the information, entertainment, pornography, shopping, education, and pornography available online, it's remarkably easy to come to the point where you don't know where to go next.

So what’s on The Internet these days? Because I’m bored and I need something to do, but also because people seem to love pointless lists, here’s a list of things I’ve learned from The Internet in the past few months:

1. Ramen was invented by 1940 by the founder of Nissen Foods, Momofuku Ando.

2. There is a popular show in The Netherlands about a professed “baby whisperer” who claims he can psychically communicate with infants. The name of the show is “What Baby Wants Is Law,” or in Dutch, “Baby’s Wil Is Wet.”

3. The Xbox 360 has officially broken the $250 barrier.

4. Apparently you can buy a wig for your cat.



5. David Hasselhoff is the Anti-Christ.

6. Neil Diamond has revealed, on the occasion of her 50th birthday, that Caroline Kennedy was the inspiration for his 1969 hit "Sweet Caroline."

7. Being that Caroline Kennedy was born in 1957, Neil Diamond is a pederast because he likes to write sexy love songs about twelve-year-old girls.

8. All mammals have tongues.

9. Barry Goldwater has a tattoo. Seriously.

10. While the banana is a fruit, the plant on which it grows is an herb, not a tree.

11. The FDIC insures U.S. banks from insolvency, and the FDIC is insured by Chuck Norris.

That about sums up all the knowledge I've gathered after months of aimless surfing. I hope this has been both engaging and enlightening. Now if you'll excuse me, the lady with no teeth is here to change my sheets.

12. Also, unrelated to information available solely on The Internet, I've learned that if you smoke 450 cigarettes a day and consume nothing but white bread and Coca-Cola, all your teeth fall out.