I suck at basketball, I always have. My feet are terrible, my dribble is lackluster and I’m fairly certain I have issues with depth perception. My lay ups are lousy and my jump shots definitely leave something to be desired. However, I don’t lose sleep over that fact that I suck at basketball, or that I don’t “gotz no mad skillz.” I still play basketball, I just don’t feel bad about losing because, while I enjoy the game, basketball is simply not my thing. I also don’t hold anything against the people that beat me at basketball simply because they’re faster, taller, or have functional depth perception.

Debating is no different than playing basketball, or tennis, or golf, or rummy, or Judo, or stock car racing: if you’re no good at it, stop playing. If you don’t want to stop playing, get better. If you don’t intend on getting better, don’t get pissed off when you lose.

Let’s debate the best rock n’ roll band in history. Let’s discuss which period of time was most influential on modern art theory. Let’s talk PCs vs. Macs.

Let’s intelligently and thoughtfully disagree on politics. That’s right, that’s all I’m asking. Let’s discuss our differing opinions on responsibility of government, rule of law, social engineering, taxation, the pros and cons of representative republicanism, and whatever else you have in mind. Let’s just talk, but don’t get pissed off at me when I soundly smoke your sorry, whiney, commie ass. I don’t whine when I lose at basketball, you don’t get to whine when you lose the debate.

Understandably, someone getting soundly smoked in the realm of politics and philosophy is different than getting their asses handed to them on the basketball court. If I lose at one-on-one, I don’t have to face the reality that my deepest held beliefs might be wrong, or face the possibility of abandoning all I hold dear and true. I just have to come to grips with the fact that no pair of shoes is going to fix my alley-oop. But on the other side, much like I suck at basketball, there are more than a few people out there that suck at debating. Frankly, most of these sniveling pinkos can’t carry a cohesive thought in that filthy canvas bag they use to transport over-priced, “organic” vegetables.

Then why, oh why, do they feel the need to constantly challenge me to proverbial rounds of basketball?

I’m not saying there are no talented debaters on that side of the aisle, I’m just saying they don’t live in Portland. At a cocktail party, I overheard someone call someone else a fascist. When I asked the offending person what they thought the word “fascist” meant, they said it was a Czech word for “Nazi.” I was once told that all Americans should be Democrats because the Democrat party founded our "Democracy." I know a girl that thought both blacks and women achieved the right to vote with the 1964 Civil Rights Act, and she’s currently taking a college course on minority rights. I once had someone tell me, in the same sitting, that the human soul’s existence had been unequivocally proven mathematically (though he couldn’t remember how) and that god “had” to exist because of Aristotle’s “Unmoved Mover” theory.

There is perhaps no subject of debate more contentious than philosophy, and no more heated area of philosophy than that involving god. Brahma, Jehovah, Zues, Odin, Buddha, The Unmoved Mover, Mario, Luigi, call “him” whatever you want, there will always be believers, and there will always be detractors. By way of adding my own unimportant opinion to the debate, I’ve discovered an excellent source of information in the infinite void of the Internet. It’s a resource so well researched and brimming with common sense, it’s almost impossible not to sway to the author’s way of thinking. It’s thought provoking, intuitive, and cuts directly to the core of the discussion. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Official God FAQ.

To you, my loyal readers, whom I’ve culled to a select group of none this last year, I ask this: chill the fuck out. Not only should you be able to provide sound evidence of your contentions, you should be able to discuss god, politics, cars, movies and footwear without breaking down and crying. News flash: no matter what you think, there’s someone else in the world that feels differently, and that person is not necessarily an idiot, an asshole or a combination of the two. If you can’t discuss your opinions with people that disagree with you, maybe you should stay off the court.

I tell you what, next time we play basketball and you trounce my ass, I won’t take my ball home.