Chuck Norris is Allergic to Doorknobs

The following list, or numerous incarnations thereof, have been circulating around the Internet for years. The other night, my good pal Luke mentioned one of the items from this list and I was reminded how much I enjoyed it the first time I'd read it. He hadn't actually ever seen the list, so I was emailing it to him, when I thought I should just post it in case any of my seven regular readers hadn't seen it. (Thanks for the cookies, Mom. - Ed.)

When searching for the list I'd read lo so many years ago, I stumbled upon numerous versions. I took three of them, pasted them together, and deleted some of the not-so-funny facts and ones that contained words like "ninja-kick" and "beard-a-licious."

After all, I have standards in this forum.

Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris:

Chuck Norris does not require oxygen to live, oxygen requires Chuck Norris.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, his Achilles heel. There is no Chuck Norris heel.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes fucking the waitress.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

They once made Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

As a teenager, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity - twice.

Outer Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Chuck Norris is not afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "people in the face".

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake ever made by a human being.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.



Chuck Norris is allergic to doorknobs, that's why he always kicks doors down.

To prove it isn't a big deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't have any hair on his balls because hair doesn't grow on steel.

Chuck Norris has to maintain concealed weapons licenses in all 50 states so he can legally wear pants.

It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you didn't want it to happen.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris only has one hand: the upper hand.

Chuck Norris always clogs the toilet. Even when he pisses.

Similar to a Russian nesting doll, if you were to break open Chuck Norris, inside you would find another Chuck Norris, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pick-up lines. He just says, "Now."

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life , Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, killing it instantly. This was to remind the crew that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll revealed that, during sex, Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time.

Chuck Norris thought about submitting more facts about himself to this website, but he doesn't believe in any form of submission.


Mr. Norris, a great sport, has posted a short response to these lists. Check it out here.