The Day I Met God

I met god at three o’clock in the morning in the lobby of a hotel in Philadelphia. I asked god what brought him out at such an hour and he said he was going to get a cheese steak sandwich. I told him that’s exactly where I was headed, and god offered me a ride.

God and I took the elevator to the parking garage, second floor. God explained that he was in Philadelphia for the weekend. God said he’d read an article that listed 100 things to do before you died, and having a cheese steak sandwich in Philadelphia was number sixteen.

After walking around the second floor of the parking garage for a while, (god had forgotten where he parked), we found god’s 1992 ford escort hatchback. God had forgotten to have his parking ticket validated, so I offered to pay the twelve dollars to get out of the garage.

God said he was in Philadephia doing research for a book about salvation. He said people were rising from the dead in Pennsylvania.

We arrived at Geno’s cheese steak house and got in line. God and I were both surprised at the crowd at near four in the morning, as it took us another half-hour to get to the window. I ordered two cheese steak sandwiches with provolone and onions and two sodas. I handed one of the sandwiches to god and we sat at a nearby table.
The sandwich was delicious, god agreed. God took some photos of me with my sandwich, I took some of him with his. Then god went to take photos of the building, with all its over-the-top neon tubing bordering a near endless mosaic of photographs of the famous people that have eaten at Geno’s over the years. God was particularly impressed at the photograph of Sylvester Stallone. God said he was a big fan.

God and I finished our sandwiches, and walked back to his car. God said he was thinking about going to the west coast, I told him he should. I told him it was beautiful.

God drove us back to the hotel and we talked about politics in America. God said when he lived in London, he voted Labor. We walked thought he lobby of the hotel and got into the elevator. God was staying on the same floor as me. We got out of the elevator and as we walked through the hall. I asked god what his book was called. God said he was going to call it “Salvation in Seven Acts.” God said it was about finding truth in yourself, and how every person is God in their own way. God said this whole thing about how god can be whoever you want him to be was bullshit, (god actually said “bullshit,” and to be honest, was something of a potty mouth) and that god was a real, substantive thing and part of everyone, that there is no hell, there is only salvation, and eternal and everlasting love for humanity, his most cherished of creations.

I shook god’s hand and told him goodnight. God said he’d look me up next time he was in my neighborhood.