On July 7th, passengers on the London public transit system were targeted by Islamic terrorists, and today it seems either some copy-cat cocksuckers, or worse, other members of the same Islamo-fascist group, planted “dummy” bombs on buses and trains in the biggest city in England. On my way to work this morning, listening to the news about these “fake” attacks, the reporter announced that security would be increased on the MAX line, our light-rail train here in Portland that runs about three quarters of a mile from start to finish, built at a cost of around 37 billion dollars a yard.

I couldn’t help but snort in amusement.

Increasing “police presence” in Portland after a terrorist attack in London is like increasing the security around Bobcat Goldthwait after an attempt on the life of Justin Timberlake. Also, when exactly did the hippies, busybodies and malcontents of the city of Portland start to value the presence of the police? According to Rose City Copwatch and whiney-pants faggots like Phil Busse, the cops in Portland ARE the problem, right? Sure, let’s completely ignore the fact that, for it’s relatively large size, Portland’s crime rate falls just a notch above Peoria, IL on a July 4th weekend.

I hate you Phil Busse, not just because you ran for mayor based on the premise of “Whatever you want, I’ll make sure the government gives it to you!” but because you have no respect for the men and women that leave their homes and families each and every day to hold up that thin blue line between your cushy suburban pad and the minor criminal element in Portland that consists mainly of meth-heads, their personal chefs or the occasional Democrat ex-Governor roaming the streets on the prowl for Oregon's youth.

The New York Times reported today that the NYPD will be conducting random searches of people and bags in the subway stations of NYC, in response to the London bombings. What the fuck took you so long? Oh, I know it was the ACLU, the Phil Busse’s of NYC, complete with equally cleft assholes. "The police can and should be aggressively investigating anyone they suspect is trying to bring explosives into the subway," said Christopher Dunn, associate legal director at the New York Civil Liberties Union. "However, random police searches of people without any suspicion of wrongdoing are contrary to our most basic constitutional values. This is a very troubling announcement."

Troubling? What exactly would the alternative be? Perhaps, in an effort to curb the police from searching and bothering people who most likely have nothing to do with such nefarious activities, the police could single out, according to their discretion, people who would fit the physical characteristics of the four men that bombed the London tube, or those that crashed planes into the World Trade Center, or bombed the USS Cole, or the Khobar Towers, or generally been responsible for the deaths of over 4,000 people since 1993.

Wait a tick, is the New York ACLU advocating profiling?

Why Dogs Drink from the Toilet

I’m reminded of the opening scene in Waterworld, where Kevin Costner (read: Charlie the Tuna) urinates into a contraption resembling a meat grinder with a funnel glued to the top. He shakes, zips, then turns the crank on the odd machine which spills clear, fresh water into a metal cup on the other side. While Waterworld completely sucked, this bizarre activity is not without its basis in reality. There is a large contingent of people that drink their urine on a daily basis, without the aid of an apocalyptic/futuristic meat grinder, all the while proclaiming the mystical healing powers of pee-pee.

On one hand, urine is completely sterile and does contain various vitamins and mineral compounds that are used by the body. On the other hand, the only reason those vitamins and minerals would be in your pee in the first place, is because your body has rejected and filtered them into your waste, signifying it has no need for those specific compounds. On the other, other hand, YOU’RE DRINKING YOUR OWN PEE, YOU TWISTED, DISGUISTING PILE OF BATSHIT.



An acquaintance of mine once told me about her friend, let’s call him Larry, who had been, for as long as she had know him, a strict “raw foodist.” This means that he only eats raw vegetables, fruits and nuts, a lifestyle that is often celebrated, but rarely undertaken, by the hippies and malcontents here in the Pacific Northwest. Larry was convinced that the act of cooking food “destroyed” certain proteins and amino acids that were necessary to higher brain function and anyone that didn’t follow the diet of “raw foodism” was, by definition, stupid. Needless to say, he was unable to provide any empirical evidence to support this contention, but those bound by the burden of proof lack imagination, anyway. While having a conversation about “those of no fontal lobe” called users of “urine therapy,” this same acquaintance updated me on Larry’s current condition.

Larry wakes up every morning to a tall, steaming glass of his own teetle, and swears the kidney juice gives him strength, vitality and prevents all illnesses. She went on to explain, however, that she was beginning to worry about him. Apparently, Larry has become convinced that everyone in the world possesses, regardless of genetic heritage, bright blue eyes. The only reason a person would feature green or brown eyes is because fecal matter is backing up into their brains, on account of the various toxins being ingested along with cooked and processed foods. Ergo, everyone with brown eyes literally has shit in their brains.

So what’s next? Will the next issue of Health & Fitness feature an article on the health benefits of “golden showers?” Will the loony, moonbat transcendentalists be scrambling for “trucker bombs,” guzzling them down for health and posterity?



Would you drink you own pee, just because someone told you it was a good idea? What kind of a person accepts that statement as fact, without demanding some kind of empirical evidence? Even if the evidence does exist, who the fuck drinks their own pee!!?!?!?

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B12 is Important for Proper Brain Function

Doom 3 is a pretty bitchin’ game. It’s got it all, zombies, spider zombies, headless, bloody zombies with rusty chainsaws and disembodied screaming zombie heads that shoot flames out of their open mouths. As a throwback to the old school “Doom”, and as a modern 3D masterpiece of blood, violence, gore, and creepy sound effects, both of the offending demons and the gigantic, cartoonish but very awesome artillery you use, it’s very effective.



I’ve had the game for about three months and managed to blast my way through just about every level of the “Marine Outpost of the Damned.” I’ve splattered the metal grating of many a storage sector in that military outpost with the sticky guts of a giant zombie-spider, but it seems the novelty has worn off.



Like any economical gamer, I listed my game (unscratched with original box and inserts) on eBay, hoping to recoup enough money to buy Unreal 2 or Resident Evil 4. I listed, it didn’t sell. Oh, well. I listed again, dropped the price, content with the fact that I would probably lose about five bucks in the end. I just got an email from eBay informing me that my game had sold, barely passing the minimum reserve I’d set, ending at $9.99 plus $5.00 shipping and handling. Since I ship from the office, it’s gravy anyway, so I’m coming out of this on top. In the email it lists the winning bidder’s user name as “deepfriedtofu.” I clicked on the username to discover his email address is deepfriedtofu@hotmail.com.

Being of a curious lot, I decided to run a Google search for that email address, to see what websites he frequents, perhaps figure out where he lives. I do this routinely, I don’t know why, I’m just an insanely curious type. His name is Nick Atwood and he lives in West Palm Beach Florida. Originally from Minnesota, Nick attended Macalester College in St. Paul and went on to receive an M.P.A. in Non-Profit Management from New York University. Nick is also an extremist, an animal rights whack-job and a terrorist.



In May of 1995, Nick got his name in the papers as part of an organized protest of the Shriner Circus in Minneapolis. “A popular argument for circuses is that they teach children the value of endangered animals. But that is false," said Nicolas Atwood, a Macalester College senior who protested the circus. “What kind of an image does seeing an elephant on a ball or a bear on a bicycle create? I don't think seeing them do that encourages people to protect their habitat,'' Atwood said."

In 1997, Nick was arrested for climbing on top of the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile wearing a pig mask and screaming, “Meat is murder!!” Dave Barry apparently penned an article about he incident entitled “A Frank Exchange.” In that same year, Nick was listed as a “patron” of No Compromise, a militant “direct action” animal rights group that supports violence by providing means, organization and even instructions for building crude, incendiary devices, presumably designed specifically to not harm any animals except humans. My favorite line of the website is the disclaimer,

“The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the steering committee, contributors nor volunteer staff. No Compromise is not intended to encourage illegal/unethical activity or behavior. The information herein is solely intended for entertainment, educational, research, academic, or other lawful purposes and is from sources independent of No Compromise.”

Laughable.



In 1998, Mr. Atwood was arrested along with Eric Phelps, husband of PETA big-wig “Lettuce Lady” Kristie Phelps, for defacing, damaging and spray-painting a statue of a swordfish outside the Broward Fishing Museum in Palm Beach, FL. Three years later, in 2001, Atwood started a promotional website for the Animal Liberation Front, Bite Back, in which he advocates “direct action” (read: violence) against a myriad of targets such as farmers and researchers. I just got an email from Paypal informing me that Nick has paid the $14.99 for the game, the mailing address he provided is the office for Bite Back.



Terrorism - The unlawful use or threatened use of force or violence by a person or an organized group against people or property with the intention of intimidating or coercing societies or governments, often for ideological or political reasons.

I’ve never met Nicolas Atwood, but I dislike him severely. I disagree with virtually everything he stands for and think anyone that resorts to violence to further their cause, has already lost the battle in the realm of ideas. While I have no evidence suggesting that Nicolas Atwood himself is a terrorist, he has spent many years in support, both financially and ideologically, of terrorists and their actions. Here in the U.S. they’re called “eco-terrorists” by the media, handling the issues with kid gloves, purposefully separating the religious fundamentalists from the ELF and ALF, but this separation is neither prudent nor necessary. Terrorism is terrorism, regardless of your motivation, be it religious fundamentalism or “animal liberation,” you’re still a whack-job with no concern for human life and you need to be in chains, being force-fed Vienna sausages by Colonel Sanders armed with a rusty shovel.

I suppose I have no choice, on account of eBay rules, to sell Nick my copy of Doom 3, especially since he already paid me. I’m not happy about it however, and I think I’m going to include a photo of myself rubbing a picture of Rod Coronado all over a fresh steak.