There's a Christmas Party in my Pants

Christmas is upon us. It’s been approaching for some time, but we’ve all tried to wish it away, plug our fingers in our ears and hum “The Monster Mash” to keep ourselves from having to deal with it, but it didn’t work. Christmas has been stalking us for months, in the form of “The Little Drummer Boy” as sung by Jewel on the local iPod shuffle station,and it’s been tracking our scent with it’s festive nose with signs that read “Chrismuss Trees 4 Sale” on 82nd Ave.

And now, it’s found us.

Christmas is upon us, indeed.

And after it’s ripped apart our flesh, swallowed our brains and chewed on our entrails, it’ll calmly stroll away, leaving bloody footprints, leaving our mangled corpse to the hungry carrion birds, content for another year.

Okay, I still haven’t got all my shopping done, I’m a little tense. Frankly, I wish I could just bypass this whole Christmas thing and get right to New Year’s Eve. Now there’s a real holiday. Why can’t there be more booze-related holidays? Trying to limit my serious bingeing to New Year’s Eve, July 4th, President’s Day, Martin Luther King Day, Flag Day, Boxing Day, and Isaac Aasimov’s birthday just gets harder each year.

But I digress.

The OTR Institute is here to help all those unfortunate whelps that may find themselves in the same perdicament as I with our first annual OTR Institute Gift Buying Guide. This guide will allow you to give the unique gifts that people always talk about when you’re not around. The kind of gifts that ensure it will find it’s way to the back of the closet in the bathroom, and virtually guarantee that you won’t even be invited next year, so you won’t have to worry about buying another gift! Think of the money you’ll save!

So without further ado:

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The OTR Institute 2005 Christmas Gift Guide for the Unique of Mind and Limited of Imagination:

The Electric Marshmallow Toaster ($19.99)



There are numerous products available on the internet (several of which appear on the 2005 OTR Gift Guide) that engender a response like that of our rock n’ roll “chaos theory” professor Dr. Malcolm in Jurassic Park. “You were all too busy trying to find if you could, you never stopped to think about whether or not your should.”

The Electric Marshmallow Toaster from Wiching Fish is a perfect example of this mentality. It would seem the creators of this fine product saw the four foot long hickory stick, used effectively to this end since the invention of the marshmallow, was seen as too cumbersome and graceless, causing them to opt for a more technologically superior solution.

Favorite quote from product description: “As seen in Wired magazine!”

The Peter Potty ($39.99)



Frankly, children scare me. The responsibility, their helplessness, their dependence on you as an adult, all of this terrifies me. Not as much, however, as their fluids. And perhaps, the only thing more fearsome than their actual fluids, are the bizarre plastic things people construct to store them: that’s right I’m talking about the potty.

The potty is a thing of the past, ladies and gentlemen, I introduce The Peter Potty!

The Peter Potty is a urinal for your young boy. Now he can go just like daddy, all over the floor!!

Favorite line from the product description: “…as parents fight against super-absorbent diapers…”

Urban Asshole Notification Cards ($7.50 for a box of 10)



Imagine that you’re walking down the sidewalk in a large, metropolitan area. You pass the exit from a parking lot, and get your ass bumped by a fuck-wad in a brand new Audi TT roadster that wasn’t even paying attention.

My pal Meghan would simply spit on the hood. If you, however, are not inclined to spit, or perhaps the dry, winter air has robbed you of that wonderful revenge juice, you would casually reach into your pocket to withdraw a piece of colorful paper, make a few scribbles with your trusty pen, and hand the driver of that car one of these.

“Congratulations, You’re an Asshole…. Let’s Discuss Why.”

Favorite line from the product description: “Assholes rarely know why they are the way they are…”

The Poops-A-Daisy ($18.95)



Do you ever read those disturbing new stories about some family’s loving cocker spaniel turning on the youngest kid for a reason no one can identify. Now we know why.

The “poopsadaisy” is like a fanny pack for your dog’s neck. What goes in the fanny pack? You guessed it, POOP!

You try and tell me that you wouldn’t snap and bite someone’s face off if they made you walk around with a bag full of your own shit tied around your neck.

Favorite line from the product description: “The Poopsadaisy’sTM patented two-pocket design will safely hold the dog's 'business'”

The MP3 Breast Implant (Price Currently Unavailable)



Admittedly, this one is still in the works, but the idea of a breast implant that plays my favorite tunes is simply too alluring. You gotta wonder if the storage capacity will be associated with the cup size…

Favorite line from the product description: “…pleasing alternative to the iPod selector wheel…”

The Dream Helmet ($29.95)



Have you ever wanted to be entirely sure that everyone on the plane you’re with thinks you’re an asshole, retard, or worse? Well, then have I got the product for you!

When a pillow or a strategically placed blanket just won’t cut it, and you’ve got thirty dollars just burning it’s way out of your pocket, you need The Dream Helmet!

The Dream Helmet is a specially designed moron-indicator and sleep aid guaranteed to provide you with the best sleep you’ve ever had on an airplane. And if you play your cards right, you may get free pudding and some flight wings form the helpful crew!

Favorite line from the product description: “The Dreamhelmet... is worth its weight in psychotropic drugs”

Poop Freeze ($8.95)



What is it about pet owners that seem to attract the most bizarre and disguisting produtcts?

You ever reached down to pick up a fresh pile of dog poop, only to have it squish in your hands like so much jello pudding?

Introducing Poop-Freeze! This patented and secret blend of aerosol, CFC’s, liquid nitrogen, herbs and spices allows you to freeze that poop, making it safe and pleasant to handle, no gloves required!

Favorite line from the product description: “a specially formulated aerosol freeze spray that, upon contact, forms a frosty film on dog poop”

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I hope this first annual OTR Institute Gift Guide had been helpful and informative. I wish you all the merriest of all possible Christmases, and the happiest of all possible New Years.

Also, if you're looking for gifts for that special prostitute in your life, may I recommend www.whorepresents.com.

And if anyone is still banging their heads about what to get for me this year, in thanks for a supendous year of editorial blitzkrieg here at the OTR Institiute, I’ve still got many empty spots on my Christmas List.

But please, no more ties.