Her name is unimportant. Her girth is estimable. Her desk sits approximately four feet from mine, and while I like her, she has the eating habits of Marlon Brando in Wonka's Chocolate Room. I've been meaning to do this for months, but hadn't the chance until recently; we lost a big client and my workload has decreased significantly. I have to look busy, right?
When I began this study, I originally considered tracking, by the hour, her insanely variable blood sugar level, gaugung by number of giggles, guffaws and snorts, charted against the number of groans, complaints and personal insults muttered under her breath. This proved far too laborious.
Some might say it was unfair to begin this anthropological study during the holidays, but I assusre you, gentle reader, that this catalog represents a very normal and regular feeding schedule. I am, also, not intending to deride those of you that choose never to consume fruits or vegetables, or anything born of earthen soil, but what the hell is wrong with you people!? Would an apple friggin' kill you!?
But I digress. I have attempted to list the approximate the serving size when I thought it important. Items enclosed in *** are occurences of note, and items enclosed in ( ) are merely editorial comment.

December 30, 2004

8:19 AM Russell Stover’s Peanut Butter Turtle
8:28 AM Almond Joy, Coffee with Swiss Miss cocoa powder
9:19 AM Hershey’s Kiss
9:35 AM Cigarette break #1
10:10 AM Chocolate/ caramel covered macadamia nuts, Coffee and Swiss Miss #2, Cheez Nips (3-4 oz)
10:35 AM Cigarette break #2
12:48 PM Cup-O-Noodles with Taco Bell hot sauce
1:08 PM King Size Nutragous bar, Chocolate Rice Krispie treat, Diet Pepsi
1:12 PM Jerkied “Beef Nuggets”


January 3, 2005

***Note: For Christmas, her fiance’ gave her tickets to a basketball game, Blazers vs. Clippers. She is not a basketball fan.***

8:14 AM Double-shot mocha with whipped cream
9:57 AM “Cool Ranch” Doritos (1.5 oz )
10:09 AM Knotts’ Berry Farm Raspberry Shortbread Cookies (2 oz package)
10:21 AM Diet Pepsi
11:02 AM “Big Meal” extra-large Cup-O-Noodles (it’s twice the size of the original, I didn’t know these existed.)
11:57 AM Plain M&Ms (1.69 oz package)
2:14 PM Microwave popcorn (Butter Explosion!!!)
3:19 PM Twix candy bar(s)
3:44 PM Small stack of HoneyMaid graham crackers
3:47 PM Candy cane

January 4, 2005

8:29 AM Small regular coffee
9:02 AM Cup-O-Noodles (chicken flavor)
11:03 AM Baloney and mayonnaise on white bread
12:10 PM Coffee with Swiss Miss cocoa powder, Candy cane
12:38 PM Handful of shelled peanuts
12:49 PM Piece of Dentyne Ice gum (which she admits to swallowing)
2:10 PM ***Complains of stomach ache***
2:11 PM Hershey’s Kiss
2:44 PM ***Histrionically complains of being hungry, and scolds herself for eating too much***
2:45 PM Candy cane
3:43 PM Palmer chocolate bell

January 6, 2005

8:41 AM Small coffee, Snickers Marathon energy bar
9:18 AM Bagel with cream cheese
9:44 AM Candy cane
11:16 AM Cup-O-Noodles (chicken flavor) with taco bell hot sauce
11:48 AM Chicken taco, tortilla chips and salsa ***first vegetable: iceberg lettuce**
1:58 PM Mini Reeses peanut butter cup
2:23 PM Mini Reeses peanut butter cup
2:43 PM Mini Reeses peanut butter cup
***she jokes, “I should eat some chocolate every time I type something.”***
2:46 PM Palmer chocolate bell
3:10 PM Ranch flavored sunflower seeds (once again, I didn’t know these existed.)

The future os this study is in peril, as my employment may change soon. If you wish to donate to support this study, I accept personal checks, and Visa/Mastercard donations.