In 1796, the heyday of bloodletting and leeches as medical panaceas, a Saxon doctor named Samuel Hahnemann developed a theory as ridiculous and far-fetched as Greedo shooting first. He postulated that, in order to restore the balance of the body’s delicate “humors,” one should utilize the principle of “like cures like.” For example, in the case of a high fever, instead of fighting the body’s natural mechanism to heat up when fighting disease, one should work with the body’s “humors” and make the patient even warmer. Keep in mind, this is the same period in history when malaria was assumed to be caused either by the “bad airs” of sub-tropical regions or casual exposure to “dark-skinned savages.”

Unfortunately, unlike bloodletting, leech therapy and the model of “internal humors,” Dr. Hahnemann’s theories were not thrown onto the dung heap of history where they belonged. Like any good snake-oil salesman, the good doctor found some anti-establishment squish-head hippies, too lazy to come up with any good ideas themselves, to preach his mystical and “holistic” approach to health and made a bunch of money without ever having to prove a damned thing.

Welcome to the world of “homeopathic medicine.”

Another principle behind homeopathic medicine is called “the theory if infinitesimals.” According to this theory, applied under the concept of “like cures like,” the more you dilute a specific drug or treatment, the more potent it becomes. This theory is executed to the most extreme of degrees resulting in solutions that are diluted with distilled water one part per hundred million and up, to the point where there are no longer any identifiable molecules of the original solution present in the water. You read that last sentence correctly. It’s the water.

Both of the aforementioned “spread buttocks, insert head” concepts combine to form the basis for homeopathy. Over the counter homeopathic “sleep-aids” list caffeine as one of the “active ingredients.” Any buck-toothed loon, even your average naturopath, can tell you caffeine is a stimulant and won’t help your insomnia one whit. Ah, but “like cures like,” remember? So, we must administer a solution that contains a chemical that would create the same symptoms as you are experiencing, in order to cure your insomnia. But the secret is, we’re going to dilute the chemical in distilled water to such a degree that you would need to consume SIXTEEN SWIMMING POOLS FULL OF PILLS IN ORDER TO INGEST ONE MOLECULE OF THE MIRACULOUS HEALING ELIXIR.

Every year, the International Skeptics Society hosts a “mass suicide” where the participants consume hundred of these “sleeping pills” en masse, thousands more by the end of the cocktail party. I’ve heard stories about these parties, and if there’s one thing these people aren’t, it’s tired.

If you believe in homeopathic medicine, you are a moron. In that statement, you can also substitute the words “homeopathic medicine” with “fairies,” “leprechauns,” “unicorns,” or “Pat Roberts.” You should have your driver’s license and right to vote taken away immediately. You should have all sharp objects in your home confiscated, protective rubber nipples glued to all dangerous corners of furniture in the house and those annoying child-proof cabinet springs placed under the sink. You can’t be trusted.




Homeopathic remedies are sold over the counter in the United States, not because the Food and Drug Administration has tested and approved these gullibility supplements, but since there is almost literally NOTHING in the damned things, the FDA can’t exactly disapprove. The Wikipedia entry on homeopathy reads, “Homeopathic remedies have their own imprints that, unlike conventional drugs, do not have to identify their active ingredients on the grounds that they have few or no active ingredients.”

A few years ago, someone with a sense of humor, and perhaps a bit too much time on his hands, concocted this chain email that made the rounds of the inboxes of the nation’s paranoid mothers. I found it rather amusing and emailed it to a few people to get their reactions. I have to admit, I was disappointed that only one person instantly realized it was a gag, but at least none of them took it seriously. Mostly what I got was, “Is this a joke?” Yes, it’s a joke. The joke, however, is if the principles of homeopathy actually worked, this would be one unforseen consequence. I’d also be putting a bit more water in my blended scotch. While chatting over the unmitigated idiocy of the subject with my brother, he made a good point when he asked, “But Scott, didn’t you think, at one time, that Zicam, a popular homeopathic treatment, would cure your cold?” Why yes, I did. And there was also a time when I thought babies were made when a man urinated into a woman’s vagina. It’s amazing how we get to change our minds after a little research and critical analysis.

Homeopathic “medicine” accounts for over $200 million in sales each year, not because it works, and not because people actually believe this tripe, but because most people have no idea what the fuck heomeopathy is. It just gets jumbled in with all the other nonsense, holistic, natural, herbal, stick-tea and dirt pie “remedies” that people love just because savages with no shoes on the other side of the globe have been doing it for a few thousand years for lack of penicillin.

The greatest rule of the Hippocratic Oath is “Above all, do no harm.” This is a fundamental concept to modern medical treatment because it accepts the fact that something that holds the potential to cure, carries potential to do great harm. Treatments like homeopathy are called “alternative” because they are built on the crux that there are no side effects, no ill-efects, and cannot possibly do harm to the patient. This is a violation of basic logic because to wield the ability change something for the better, inheirently harbors the ability to change for the worse.

Next time you feel inclined to waste some of your hard-earned money on a homeopathic cure in the drug store, walk two aisles over and get yourself a gallon of distilled water. It’s the same stuff and it’s a whole lot cheaper.

[This message has been brought to you by the Distilled Water Manufacturers of America.]