I love capitalism. Capitalism is the fairest, most successful and equitable economic structure ever devised by mankind, and until socialism can shake its association with Soviet gulags, Chinese re-education facilities and Nazi concentration camps, it will remain so. Capitalism’s global success is attributed to the primal human need to achieve and create, and then the primal human need to sell things for fantastic profits, and then the primal human need for the new Resident Evil game, and maybe one of those cool wireless controllers with the built-in fan that keeps your hands from getting sweaty.

It began with the barter system, a chicken for a bag of flour, a few squirrel pelts for a sack of potatoes, a handmade chair for a new pair of pants. The barter system proved so successful, and with the growing acceptance of coin money, the open market was born. Many major cities around the world can attribute their growth and success because their location was a successful marketplace in years gone by.

The modern marketplace, much as it is tied directly to the technology of transportation and communication, is constantly changing and fluxing, building upon itself exponentially in order to bring you, the consumer, bigger, better, faster, more, and all for less. There is no place on earth that better exemplifies the core principles of the perfectly chaotic and beautifully unregulated marketplace as the ubiquitous “Internet”. The Internet, cyberspace, the worldwide web, it has many names, but only one function: the transmission of information, mainly pornography and stock quotes.

When the twisted world of capitalism collides with the information superhighway, only good things can happen. What we see now is an explosion of every imaginable market, cars, boats, houses all the way to bikes, garden hoses, ballpoint pens, jeans, scotch tape and multitudes of live creatures are bought online, sold online, and sodomized live online by perverts with web cams for the enjoyment (and subscription fees) of the quivering masses. The only thing I love more than capitalism is chicken-fucking for a low monthly fee.

The old adage goes, “Necessity is the mother of invention.” While this may have applied to the automobile, the light bulb and the double-headed, jelly dong, the free market no longer bends to the will of market demand, mostly because in the civilized world, virtually all our needs have been met. What the producers in every major economy want is to be ability to stay one step ahead of their competition (the defining and most virtuous aspect of capitalism) by staying one step ahead of the consumer. Instead of “what does the consumer want today?” the question that burns in the mouths of the many is “what will the consumer want tomorrow?” In an effort to meet demand that has essentially been conjured, manifested or simply prayed for in board rooms and basements across the country, we the consumers are bombarded with products that no longer strive to meet our needs, but to create for us new needs that must be filled.

“There are many different ways of being alive -- at least ten million different ways if we count the number of distinct species alive today -- but, however many ways there may be of being alive, it is certain that there are vastly more ways of being dead!” – Richard Dawkins

Inevitably, when anyone makes the leap of faith to manufacture a product that no one yet wants, just like the brilliance of evolution, you get more flops than home runs. When the worlds of capitalism and cyberspace collided, a new hinterland was created, and that is where these creatures live. These unwanted flops, bizarre products conceived by the insane and purchased only by those with too much money. These oddities of free market evolution are like the bizarre creatures fashioned by geographic isolation, like the wallabies of Australia, the lemurs of Madagascar and Jeanine Garafolo of New Jersey.

Bowel Buddy



This one instantly takes the prize for the most revolting product name. We can all breathe a sigh of relief that they’re bran “cookies” and not some sadistic, wire bottlebrush, or worse, a Russian dwarf hamster.

Best line in product description: “If you suffer from constipation, chances are you know it!”

Shower Shock Caffienated Soap



Is one cup of coffee really that time consuming? Between coffee, tea, soda, caffienated water, and caffienated malt beverages, I don’t see why anyone has to look to soap for their morning fix. Alcohol and nicotine soap, I could understand, but this is just silly.

Best line in product description: “Have smelly co-workers that sleep in too much? Give them the gift of Shower Shock!”

The Nap Cap



What better way to advertise to everyone in sight that you’re a blithering, drooling, “time for your two o’clock applesauce” drain on your family’s funds? Imagine yourself walking into an airport and seeing hundreds of chubby tourists from Florida in the terminal sleeping with their heads strapped to the chairs like an army of autistic short-bussers. Disturbing.

Best line in the product description: “Tell a friend and get free shipping!”

Location Earth Dog Tags



At first, you may think this is a gag. Perhaps the creator of these things is laughing all the way to the bank (the “money back guarantee” would certainly support that contention), but many people that purchase these things think that they are making simple investment in their own safety. These things sell like crazy at UFO conventions and whack-job storefronts across the globe. I’m thinking I’ll get one that has Lindsey Lohan’s address on it so at least I’ll have something to look forward to if I ever get abducted. I figure it’s the only way I’m getting over that fence and through those attack dogs. Stupid attack dogs.

Best line in product description: “Engraved with several methods of locating Earth in the galaxy, an alien pilot does not need to understand any human language to use this information.”

Octodog: the Frankenfurter Converter



Is the default shape of a hot dog so offensive that it requires a special tool to liven it up? And of all the shapes into which one can carve a chopped, pressed wad of meat scraps, why an octopus? My only response to this product is: what the fuck?

Best line in product description: “Surprise your guests, serve Octodogs!”

Squirrel Liquor Decanter



Okay, seriously, would you drink anything that came of this thing’s neck? I didn’t think so.

Best line in the product description: “The artist has a deep respect and appreciation for animals and the natural world.”

Talking TP



This nifty little gadget lets you record a short audio message that will play every time someone reaches for a wad of bathroom tissue. If I was in a friend’s home, doing my business, and when I grabbed a few squares of tissue heard the roll say, “please stay seated during the performance,” I would just exit the bathroom, find the nearest living thing and kill it.

Best line in product description: “Be the first on your block to have bathroom voicemail!”

“Sizzling Bacon” flavored Rolling Papers



I had two contenders in the “bacon-flavored” category, but the bacon flavored dog bubbles just weren’t as funny, mainly because dogs are stupid and pretty much love anything, bacon-flavored or not. Potheads, however, like to pretend they’re not stupid, that they can really play the guitar, and that Darkstar is actually a good band. In case you needed another bit of evidence that potheads need to have all the sharp objects in their homes confiscated, it got to be the bacon flavored rolling papers.

Best line in product description: “Toke it easy.”

There were many products that didn’t make the cut. The “Flightsuit” pet bird diapers, the “Executive Laptop Steering-Wheel Mount,” the dog umbrella, and many others.



The point is that there are countless people, from the industrial design mogul in a high-rise in New York, to the retired mail carrier in his basement in Peoria toiling away hour after hour to make some dumb thing you might buy. These people are making stupid products just for you! Bask in the beauty that is capitalism!