The Shiny, Red, Candy-Like Button...

Reading as much news as I do will go a great length in diminishing even the greatest faith in the human race. It seems far too often, I will finish a story off the lines of the AP or Reuters, clasp my hands over my face and start humming to drown out the voices in my head that tell me none of us deserve our place at the top of the food chain. This morning was particularly gruesome, not just because of the subject matter of the stories I encountered, but because I’ve just spent the last twenty minutes curled into the fetal position, sucking my thumb, visions of sweet, sweet nuclear halocaust dancing in my head.

The Goat for Coke Scandal

Four men, ages 20 to 38, are currently being held and charged with theft, cruelty to animals and other charges in Bullskin Township, PA. It seems the “ringleader” James W. Albright (I shudder to apply such a flattering title to the type of guy that yells at the television during the Montel Williams show, but “drooling, mouth-breathing sack of pig excrement” does very little to betray his status in this group of vacuous pus-bags) developed a plan of fiendish mastery, and convinced his fellow idiot savants on the virtues of a greatly underestimated avenue of extraneous income: goat-napping.



Albright stole his neighbor’s daughter’s pet pygmy goat and tied it to a tree in his back yard, where he and his friends proceeded to beat it to death with sticks. While the image of four drunken hillbillies beating a miniature goat to death with some two-by-fours they found under the house may seem funny as hell, I assure you little Kimmy next door found it none too amusing. They then took the corpse of the goat to Albright’s father and aided him in skinning and butchering it with the intent of selling the meat FOR COCAINE.

In all seriousness, if you’ve got a coke habit that you need to feed, what kind of a person (scratch that, four persons) decide the most likely bargaining chip in the seedy underworld of the drug market would be goat flesh?

The Chicken for Sex Scandal

Our next tale brings us to Stoddard, NH, and into the life of Ryan Park, a door-to-door meat salesman and recalcitrant lover of the fairer sex. Mr. Park is currently in custody, charged with assault after he offered a potential customer an uncooked chicken in exchange for sexual favors. When his advances, and his uncooked chicken, were rejected, he forced himself upon the woman and “forcefully kissed” her. While we can be happy that the poor woman’s sanctity was violated no further than a forceful kiss from a meat salesman, we can only hope he washed up after touching the raw chicken.



I just get fed up sometimes. I wonder about the future of the human race when some skinhead nutter saws off an old guy’s head over a property line dispute, and then makes it into this country with the bloody chainsaw in the trunk of his car. I get distraught when an abortion doctor is accused of devouring human fetuses. I start to worry when Sean Penn decides to become a reporter and go to Iran to cover their sham elections.

Although, the new Pope-Mobile sounds pretty cool...