Why Dogs Drink from the Toilet

I’m reminded of the opening scene in Waterworld, where Kevin Costner (read: Charlie the Tuna) urinates into a contraption resembling a meat grinder with a funnel glued to the top. He shakes, zips, then turns the crank on the odd machine which spills clear, fresh water into a metal cup on the other side. While Waterworld completely sucked, this bizarre activity is not without its basis in reality. There is a large contingent of people that drink their urine on a daily basis, without the aid of an apocalyptic/futuristic meat grinder, all the while proclaiming the mystical healing powers of pee-pee.

On one hand, urine is completely sterile and does contain various vitamins and mineral compounds that are used by the body. On the other hand, the only reason those vitamins and minerals would be in your pee in the first place, is because your body has rejected and filtered them into your waste, signifying it has no need for those specific compounds. On the other, other hand, YOU’RE DRINKING YOUR OWN PEE, YOU TWISTED, DISGUISTING PILE OF BATSHIT.



An acquaintance of mine once told me about her friend, let’s call him Larry, who had been, for as long as she had know him, a strict “raw foodist.” This means that he only eats raw vegetables, fruits and nuts, a lifestyle that is often celebrated, but rarely undertaken, by the hippies and malcontents here in the Pacific Northwest. Larry was convinced that the act of cooking food “destroyed” certain proteins and amino acids that were necessary to higher brain function and anyone that didn’t follow the diet of “raw foodism” was, by definition, stupid. Needless to say, he was unable to provide any empirical evidence to support this contention, but those bound by the burden of proof lack imagination, anyway. While having a conversation about “those of no fontal lobe” called users of “urine therapy,” this same acquaintance updated me on Larry’s current condition.

Larry wakes up every morning to a tall, steaming glass of his own teetle, and swears the kidney juice gives him strength, vitality and prevents all illnesses. She went on to explain, however, that she was beginning to worry about him. Apparently, Larry has become convinced that everyone in the world possesses, regardless of genetic heritage, bright blue eyes. The only reason a person would feature green or brown eyes is because fecal matter is backing up into their brains, on account of the various toxins being ingested along with cooked and processed foods. Ergo, everyone with brown eyes literally has shit in their brains.

So what’s next? Will the next issue of Health & Fitness feature an article on the health benefits of “golden showers?” Will the loony, moonbat transcendentalists be scrambling for “trucker bombs,” guzzling them down for health and posterity?



Would you drink you own pee, just because someone told you it was a good idea? What kind of a person accepts that statement as fact, without demanding some kind of empirical evidence? Even if the evidence does exist, who the fuck drinks their own pee!!?!?!?

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