You Might Be a Moron if...

Divination - the occultic practice of ascertaining information by supernatural means.

Most people know what the word “divination” means, and many would even be able to give a few techniques used by practitioners of this ancient “art.” Predicting the future by interpreting the shapes in steeped tea leaves, casting various animal bones to the ground, and examining the entrails of freshly killed chickens top the list. What many people don’t know, however, is that virtually every culture, in almost every place at sometime, someone with either deep delusionary tendencies or a really twisted sense of humor, decided to do something, examine the results of that something, and then predict the future based solely on how that particular pile of dog poo smelled, or something as equally ridiculous.

Fact – If you believe in divination, or any human ability to predict the future with any more accuracy than a statistical guess, you’re a moron and you need to have mommy put your helmet back on before two o’clock pudding.



I’ve compiled a short, and very incomplete, list of the various types of divination known throughout human history, each one being more ridiculous, incredulous and amusing than the last. Many end in 'mancy', from the ancient Greek manteia meaning “divination or fortune-telling”, or 'scopy', from the Greek skopein meaning “to look into or to behold.”

aeluromancy - dropping wheatcakes into water and interpreting the result
aeromancy - divination by examining what the air does to certain things (like a kite?)
alectoromancy - divination by a chicken: grains of wheat are placed on letters and the chicken "spells" the message by selecting grains
alphitomancy - dropping barleycakes in water and interpreting the result (for years there was a white-hot debate over which kind of cake most effectively told the future, we can only hope most of those people were too busy arguing and throwing cakes into buckets of water to get around to breeding.)
anthropomancy - divination by interpreting the organs of newly sacrificed humans
astragalomancy – casting, like dice, knucklebones marked with letters of the alphabet (Come, on! Daddy needs a new Psionic Manifesting Capsule!!)
axinomancy - divination by the hatchet: interpreting the way it quivers when whacked into a table
belomancy - divination by the flight path of arrows
bronchiomancy - divination by studying the lungs of sacrificed white llamas
capnomancy- divination by interpreting the smoke of an altar or sacrificial incense
catoptromancy – divination by interpreting images in a mirror
cleidomancy - divination by interpreting the movements of a key suspended by a thread from the nail of the third finger on a young virgin's hand while one of the Psalms was recited (okay, seriously, what the fuck. Somebody had a laugh with this one…)
coscinomancy - divination by a balanced sieve
cromniomancy - divination by onions (onions?!?!?)
dactylomancy- divination by means of rings put on the fingernails or the number of whorls and loops on the fingers
daphnomancy - divination by burning a laurel branch and interpreting the crackles of the flames
extispicy - divination by examining entrails
fractomancy - interpreting the structures of fractal geometric patterns
gyromancy - divination by walking around a circle of letters until dizzy and one falls down on the letters or in the direction to take (this one is a personal favorite…)


hydromancy - divination by examining what certain things do in water or when taken out of water, such as coffee grounds or tea leaves; hydatoscopy - if rainwater is used; pegomancy - if spring-water is used (BillCosbyscopy – if chocolate Jello pudding is used.)
hepatoscopy- divination by examining the liver of sacrificed animals
kephalonomancy - burning carbon on the head of a mule while reciting the names of suspected criminals; a crackling sound will be heard when the name of the guilty party is spoken (How the fuck do you get a mule to sit still for this?)
lampadomancy- interpreting the movements of the flame of a lamp
libanomancy - interpreting the smoke of incense
lithomancy - divination using precious stones
lecanomancy - dropping precious stones into water and listening for whistles (I don’t get this one either, but I’m also not in the habit of dropping precious stones into water and waiting to hear them scream…)
metoposcopy - interpreting frontal wrinkles
molybdomanc - (divination by melted lead: interpreting its noises and hisses when dropped into water
myrmomancy - divination by watching ants eating (okay, seriously, this is just getting ridiculous…)
oinomancy - divination by wine (I’ve been told I can predict the future after I drink too much whiskey, “I’m think I’m gonna hurl..”)


omphalomancy - interpretation of the belly button (My father-in-law used to tell my wife that, not only was the belly button installed into the human form to act as a reservoir for ranch dip while eating carrot sticks, he also warned her that if she unscrewed it, her butt would fall off. He is a very powerful wizard.)
oneiromancy - interpretation of dreams
onychomancy - interpreting the reflection of sun rays off fingernails (I used to know some guys that did that all the time, “whoa… Dude, check out my fingernails… they’re, like, glowing…”)
ornithomancy - interpreting the flights of birds (They’re all going south, that means the Broncos will win the Superbowl.)
ovomancy - breaking eggs into a container of water and interpreting the shape of the egg white
papyromancy - divination by folding paper
pyromancy - divination by fire
rhabdomancy - using the divining rod or magic wand
rhapsodmancy - divination by a line in a sacred book that strikes the eye when the book is opened after the diviner prays, meditates or invokes the help of spirits
sideromancy - interpreting straws of hay thrown on a red-hot iron (what about interpreting wads of watermelon jello thrown at the exposed scrotum-sack of a guy dressed like Hitler?)
skatharomancy- interpreting the tracks of a beetle crawling over the grave of a murder victim
splanchnomancy - reading cut sections of a goat liver (these people sure like cut open animals…)
tasseography - interpreting tea leaves
tiromancy- interpreting the holes or mold in cheese (that’s right, divination through cheese, and you thought it was just a tasty snack. By the way, what does cheese say when it’s picture gets taken?)
urim v'tumim - reading sacred stones attached to the breastplate of the high priest in ancient Judaism
uromancy - divination by reading bubbles made by urinating in a pot



Okay, that’s enough. All the rest were in good fun, but interpreting the bubbles in your pee is about as preposterous as it gets. The lesson here today, folks, is that divination is stupid and anyone that believes in it is equally so. Here at On The Rocks, we are committed to exposing sham and flim-flam at every possible opportunity and plan on taking down this behemoth of ignorance one brick at a time.

Next week: audiobooks.