We're Talking Baseball...

I have a friend named Tommy Stive Gomez. No, that’s not a typo, his middle name is really Stive. Believe me, he’s not Scandanavian. Why his middle name is Stive is a story for another time.

My pal Tommy has a problem: He hates being sick. He doesn’t just hate it, he haaaaates it. He loathes it with a passion. He hates it, not just because being sick makes you achy, sniffly, and feel like shit, he hates it the most because some random outside force, namely the organism that is infecting his body, is dictating how he’s supposed to behave. Go to bed, his body says. Have some soup and chill, his achy muscles and stuffy nose beg of him. Tommy will hear none of it.

Now, Tommy is your average guy, he likes to drink a cold brew with some pals, occasionally raise some hell, but he’s just like the rest of us, he has his limit, but not when he’s sick.

When Tommy gets sick, he gets resentful. He hates the fact that he’s not supposed to go out and get drunk, and stay up all night and smoke opium out of a rusty spray paint can, so that’s exactly what he does. He drinks, he smokes, he has unprotected sex with parking meters. He does it all, just for the purpose of showing that microscopic, non-sentient organism he can.

It may not even be what he WANTS to do, but since his body is trying to tell him not to, and he’s knows he shouldn’t, he knows he should bow to the will of his disease and get some sleep, he’s gone get tore up.

Sometimes I feel that’s how the City of Portland handles its budget meetings. They know they shouldn’t, hell the almost can’t, but they’re gonna just cuz they’s not supposed to.

In case you guys haven’t heard, the City of Portland, “The Rose City,” the ever-so-ironically-called “City that Works,” is trying to woo the disenfranchised Florida Marlins to its moist shores. While words cannot describe how bad an idea this is, I’ll certainly try my best.

I’m not a big fan of sports in general, and four years of living within earshot of Fenway Stadium, baseball ranks pretty low on my list. (I once asked a guy in a NY Yankees jersey why he was peeing in the azaleas in front of my apartment complex, and he turned his half-opened eyes to me, pointed to his stream of kidney juice and said, “This is what I think of Boston!”)

Despite my own personal reservations, the City of Portland, a city I’ve grown to love and hate with equal fervor, simply cannot afford to build a fucking baseball stadium, end of story. And since everyone likes lists so damned much, I’ve compiled a list of reasons why:

1. The $15 million aerial tram that OHSU convinced the city to build three years ago, has become a $40 million dollar tram before ground has even been broken.

2. The City of Portland, in all their wisdom, has seen fit to pay for the campaigns of all Portland City Commissioners. A cost, I might add, imposed upon the city taxpayers without so much as a single vote from the public. Ironcially, it’s called "Voter Owned Elections."

3. Portland Public Schools is spending million of dollars to build a new school at the Columbia housing projects, EVEN THOUGH private parties offered to build the school FOR FREE!



4. Instead of paying the same property tax rate I pay, the owner of a $700,000 downtown condo in the swankiest area of town, The Pearl District, only has to pay about $200. You want to tell me Bush gives tax cuts to the rich?

5. In Portland’s decadent commitment to be as much like a cheeky European, limp-wristed, vertical-stripe wearing, no bathing, nancy-pants couture city as possible, they’ve ripped up downtown, and installed a comically ineffecient light-rail system that moves less than %1 of Portland commuters for about $100 million per mile of track.

6. In reference to item #5, the city is also trying to structure downtown to be more “pedestrian friendly,” which is another term for “car un-friendly.” This action, which has burdened already struggling businesses with enormous taxes, has further decreased the amount of people that go downtown to do ANYTHING, leading to fewer businesses downtown, more vacant office space than Portland has seen since the 70’s, and less income for the city.

7. For fuck’s sake, Multnomah County has yet to even open the BRAND NEW JAIL they just built, even though the other jails in the area are so full, convicts are being “matrixed out” at a rate not seen in history.

8. Bending over and grabbing the ankles for the wacked out environmental-nut-job mouth-breathers that stalk the streets of this city, Portland decided to pay TWO TIMES the amount a normal roof would cost, to cover the Portland and Multnomah County Building with a special, granola-based, soy-derived, hippy roof.

9. Portland is still paying for the renovation of PGE Park! A park that no one ever fucking goes to!

11. Portland has COUNTY FUNDED ACUPUNCTURE CLINICS!!!!

10. Whoever wants this fucking stadium, you get the money together and build it your goddamned selves.