Don't Make Me Reach Back There!

Well, Mother's Day has come and gone and the doldrums of Summer are fast approaching. Unless, of course, you neglected to appropriately congratulate your mother for the bang-up job she did pushing your writhing body through her cervix, then you are condemned to watch this video, ponder for a moment the message, then call your mom crying for her to come pick you up.



Since we, here at the OTR are pusposefully forward-looking folk, we must ask you all to mark your calendars for the impending date of June 17th, 2007. Partly because it's Venus Williams' birthday, partly because it commemorates the day China performed its first successful nuclear ordinance test in 1967, but mostly because it's Father's Day.

Let's face it, kids, Moms are easy. Some flowers, a syrupy card ("Hey look what this other guy wrote in this card for ya.") and perhaps an ipod shuffle, and she'll be all atwitter with progenic love. Dad, on the other hand, mostly wants to be left alone. While not being around would be an simple and easily procured gift to give to dad, society (read: Mom) demands a bit more from you. That's why OTR is here to help.

Dads are hard to shop for. That's why there's that awful section off to the side of Marshall's and TJ Maxx comprised of bins full of golf ball washers, Hummer brand flashlights with magnetic backs and ties that have prints like hamburgers and glocks. It's not because Dads are more complicated than Moms, they just tend to have more storage space available for all this crap they'll be given over the course of their lives.

Dads, prepare to thank your lucky stars, and possibly that defective condom, for:

OTR's 2007 Father's Day Gift Guide

First, a question: Do you like being peed on? (Not you, Dad, the other Dads) Of course not. Well, say good bye to all your urine-related anxiety and welcome the Pee-Pee Teepee. Having never changed a diaper myself, I can only relate stories I heard corrobrated endlessly, that when changing a baby boy's diaper, projectile urine can be a real danger (also, when Dad's had sixteen too many Heinekens). A phrase that's stuck in my mind all these years has been "As soon as the air hits that damn thing..." betraying both the disguisting truth behind procreation, and the general disguist most women feel toward "that thing."

The Pee=Pee Teepee is essentially a washable cotton cone that is used to hastily cover your kid's pecker when removing that wad of cotton that you tied around his waste to catch his shit that will involuntarily leak from his ass until he reaches about three years old. In the case of my younger brother, the only infant with whom I can claim any experience, the shit will resume leaking from the mouth around age sixteen and continue with no signs of abating well into the early twenties.

Trust the OTR to show parenthood in the stark light of truth.



Does your Dad constantly threaten to beat the crap out of you and eat your face off? Well, you've likely been present at a Sonnier family reunion after 6 pm! On the other hand, if your Dad meant it affectionately, then do we have the perfect gift for you. First Chocolate, holders of the patent for the edible photograph (#6,376,000) are proud ton offer their signature Chocolate Picture. Simply upload an image to their website and they'll print it on chocolate for your visual and gastronomic delight. As an editorial note, I'd like to pint out that having them print a picture of cat poo onto a chocolate square for people to eat would be really funny.



Does your Dad love football? Does your Dad also love Jesus? Then he'll simply crucify himself to get his hands on any of these inspirational (and slightly heretical) statuettes. You can choose Jesus playing baseball, football, soccer, or basketball. I mean, Jesus is white, so he'd only play American sports, right? Jesus curling? Not in those sandals.

For the sake of piety, and since nothing they could do would make the staues look any sillier than a man in a robe playing hockey, each statue comes with a plaque that reads "Jesus is my coach." Considering this particular statue, it looks like it should read "Jesus and me like to spoon." As if professional sports weren't homoerotic enough.



Is your Dad a hunter? Is your Dad particularly accident-prone? Then he'll love the disposable body stapler kit from Cabela's. Now, Dad can not only fire into the woods with reckless abandon, but should a stray bullet wound his beer-holding hand, his hunting buddies won't have to bottle-feed him Budweiser until they can get him to the nearest ER for stitches.

The description on the website claims that the kits works great for dogs too.



What are the two things that Dads like the most? Like most men, drinking booze and endangering their lives on motorized equipment. Well now your Dad can have it all with the X-treme Cooler-Scooter. This handy little piece of inane human ingenuity features a 300 watt motor that will propel your dad and up to twelve nicley chilled brewskies directly to the emergency room.




I hope the OTR 2007 Father's Day Gift Guide has been helpful to you. Remember guys, while your dad was at a bar watching the Padres lose the $100 he was going to spend on flowers for your mom, he's still a decent guy and he deserves a dumb present that's going to find a home at the bottom of his drawer next to the leopard print Speedos your Mom bough him as a joke because he's really fat, but he still wears occasionally because he doesn't think he's fat. So on behalf of dissatisfied children whose dads wouldn't get them the fancy mongoose bike with the trick chucks and the front rider pegs: "You're not my real father!"