Okay, this just isn't funny anymore. This began as an amusing way to fill the gaps in my work day. Now, I'm just depressed. This study is officalliy over, not just because I just quit my job, but because I'm beginning to feel a bit like P.T. Barnum. Please keep the "Jumbo" refernces to yourself.

However, for posterity, I would like to make a final analysis.

RAMEN IN NOT A FOOD, YOU FAT, IGNORANT SLUT!

I feel much better.

This poor dear has lost her battle with weight, depression and that giant Twix bar that runs her down in her dreams. I pity this woman. I feel guilty for pitying a woman whom I've seen eat sunflower seeds off the carpet. I'm really fucked on this one.

I've decided to include a few notations of the things she says during the course of the day. I feel they would provide a unique insight into her anthropoidal eating habits.

I remind you, these notations are in no way exaggerated or imbellished to make them funnier. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.


January,12 2005

8:06 AM ***Her husband packed her lunch today. She opened the plastic grocery sack to find a package of pork Top Ramen and a Ziploc FULL of hard candy.***
8:09 AM ***“I’m hungry” ***
8:14 AM Coffee with Swiss Miss cocoa powder
8:17 AM ***”I’m starving!”***
9:02 AM Pork flavor Top Ramen with Taco Bell hot sauce
9:26 AM Reese’s peanut butter cup
9:50 AM ***”I don’t feel so good. I ate too much.”***
10:08 AM Watermelon flavor Jolly Rancher
10:25 AM Grape flavor Jolly Rancher
10:49 AM ***went home complaining of a stomach ache***

January, 13 2005

8:03 AM Small coffee with both “French Vanilla” and “Mocha Java” flavored non-dairy creamer, chocolate chip muffin (I don’t know the serving size, but the muffin is about the size of a softball.)
9:47 AM Pork flavor Top Ramen with hot sauce, handful of peanuts in the shell
11:09 AM Banana (first fruit!!)
12:23 PM Unidentified candy, “Tropical Fruit” flavor
2:42 PM Twix candy bar(s)
2:43 PM 2 day old doughnut (I’m not kidding, it was wrapped in a tissue in her desk.)
2:46 PM Cheetos (1.2 oz. package)

January 14, 2005

8:48 AM Coffee with Swiss Miss hot cocoa powder.
9:18 AM Nestle Crunch with caramel, handful of “Cream Smoothie” Skittles (eew.)
11:57 AM Pork flavor Top Ramen with Taco Bell hot sauce and MAYONNAISE!!
12:12 AM Diet Pepsi
2:16 PM Twix candy bar(s)

January 17, 2005

9:18 AM Coffee with Swiss Miss cocoa powder
10:54AM Pork flavor Top Ramen with Sriracha
11:56 AM Baloney and mayonnaise on white bread (okay, she bragged about this one: bread, mayo, baloney, kraft cheez, baloney, cheez, mayo, baloney, cheez, mayo, bread. The sandwich is about two inches thick. This is not a joke.)

I declared this study over when, after pestering everyone in the office for hours about where lunch was coming from, I actually saw her devour FOUR fried fish tacos, smeared with mayonnaise she brought herself. She then began to pontificate on the many uses of this fine condiment, divulging that her absolute favorite is corn on the cob dripping with mayo.

I don't know what disturbs me more; the fact this woman seeks ways toincorporate mayonnaise into virtually every meal she takes, or, upon review, discovering that, over the course of this laborious study, she comsumed two non-processed food items, and that assumes you would count Iceberg Lettuce as a serving of vegetables.