“Why are you depressed, Alvy?” asked the doctor. “Tell Dr. Flicker. It’s something he read.” said his mother. Alvy’s head lolled depressingly around his shoulders. “The Blogosphere is expanding.” “The Blogosphere is expanding?” asked the doctor, somewhat skeptically. “Well,” said Alvy, ”the Blogosphere is everything, and if it’s expanding, someday it will break apart and that would be the end of everything!” Alvy’s mother began to scream and gesture excitedly, “What’s the Blogosphere got to do with it? You’re here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not expanding!”


My friend publishes a website, pontificating into the howling void of the Blogosphere about his life and interests. It’s a sad hobby, but if it gets him though the day, it’s fine with me. He has this neat site tracker that allows him to track, not just site hits, daily averages and from what IP addresses the hits come from, but keeps a running tab of the internet search terms that punt people to his site. His site somewhat revolves around movies (as does his sad, pathetic life), so it was no surprise to me to see on this last many, many search queries including the terms “nude,” “naked,” “ or “xxx.” Jennifer Aniston, Blanchard Ryan, Matt Damon, these names made appearances again and again.

Frankie Muniz?

That’s right, someone, somewhere, probably typing one-handed, wanted, for whatever reason, to see “Malcolm in the Middle” naked. This disturbing fact begs several questions:

1. What kind of twisted sex maniac wants to see a 19-year-old, male, television sitcom actor naked. We’re not talking about David Duchovny (of whom nude images do exist; actually quasi-nude, his naughty bits are covered with a teacup). We’re talking about Cody Banks, here.
2. What makes this fiend think that these images might actually exist? Does Frankie Muniz really seem like the kind of guy that is regularly approached by publication begging him to strip for the enjoyment of their readers? Does he seem like the sort of actor who would agree to have such photos taken?
3. The randomness of Frankie Muniz is strange. Sure, Jessica Beil posed for Playboy, but she’s HOT! Is it really worth the precious seconds required to search for existence of naked photos of “Boner” from Growing Pains?
4. Who the fuck is this person and what happened to you as a child? If you happen to be reading this, please contact me as soon as possible. Please, show me on the doll where they touched you.