I am an indefatigable optimist. Ever since I began engaging in regular sexual intercourse, discovered single-malt Scotch whiskey, and most recently, embarked on the joy of home ownership, I find my sunny disposition, sunnier by the tumbler, easier to maintain. This sanguinity is even better complemented by my equally positive opinion of the human race; people are not stupid. People are fundamentally good and will generally act and make decisions in a manner that promote the health and well being of their families and loved ones, and by extension, all people. People make mistakes, certainly, especially in large groups, but so do you and I. Especially you.

I like the human race; the way it functions, the way it came to be and the way people think. I love the inventions and innovations that have made humanity what it is today, and what it will be tomorrow. I even respect the conflicts that dot our history as a species, both violent and not, because conflict is a fundamental aspect of humanity and you have to take the good with the bad.

I am not a “believer.” I still, however, have great respect for those that see the hand (or hands) of higher powers at work in their lives and in our history. Religion is also something fundamental to the human experience, and basic to our foundation as humans and citizens.

Watch the evening news, and when you’re told of a crowd of football hooligans setting a stadium in Wilfordshire ablaze, think of the billions of people worldwide that didn’t riot that day. When you finish reading about the winners the annual Darwin awards, cursing the human race for being horn-swaggling cricker-croakers, think about all the folks that didn’t use a burning match to try and smoke a wayward rodent out of their colon. Regular people (read: smart people) don’t make the evening news or those clever emails that circle the globe. Headlines don’t read, “Local Man Decides Against Extended Warranty,” or, “Area Woman Makes Fifteenth Mortgage Payment on Time… Details on Page Three.”

People are not stupid, that being said, there is a huge contingent of people out there that want to prove me wrong. Take, for example, “Our Lady of the Underpass”. In case you haven’t heard this one, a crack in the Chicago underpass, stained with years worth of rain, road salt and debris, has, in the squinted eyes of a precious few, come to resemble the image of the Virgin Mary.



Holy fucking shit, you have GOT to be kidding me. It’s a fucking crack in a fucking underpass, you dumb pieces of shit. These people are placing candles, flowers, prostrating themselves for forgiveness, and shedding tears of joy while touching the thing.

Okay, why not use my own logic and think about all the people that aren’t praying to a salt stain? BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING IDIOTS! Sure, the Virgin Mary in the grilled, cheese, that shit was funny. And certainly, worshipping a salt stain is no different from bowing down before a terra cotta statue of a man with four arms and the head of an elephant, or some guy pinned to a piece of pine, but seriously, IT’S A STAIN IN AN UNDERPASS, NOT THE SHROUD OF FUCKING TURIN.



Another group of brain-donors made headlines this week when they claimed to find a box full of cash buried in their backyard. The cash itself added up to about $2,000, but since the bills were all printed between 1910 and 1922, the value of these bills on the collector’s market topped $100,000. The article came complete with pictures of these chowder heads from Methuen, MA, dancing in front of the news crews like a bunch of Kansas City faggots. And now they’re under arrest. Turns out these Mass-holes are roofers and found this cash in the gutter of farmhouse they were hired to re-shingle. Lesson: WHEN YOU STEAL A BUNCH OF MONEY, DON’T TELL THE MEDIA, YOU STUPID ASSHOLES!!

Obviously, these jerks are the exception. Most people wouldn’t steal the money, and the ones that would, would probably keep photos of themselves doing the “running man” with wads of cash stuffed in their shirts, out of the papers. Obviously, most people aren’t flocking to the underpass of I-94 to worship a wad of salt crust. Obviously, most people aren’t that stupid.

In the exercise of logic and critical thinking, a common tool used is the “logical syllogism.” An example is: All bachelors are men and all bachelors are unmarried, therefore all unmarried men are bachelors. Another variation would be; Most women are drivers, most drivers are bad, therefore most women are bad drivers.

Thesis: Most people aren’t stupid, and most people aren’t from Methuen, MA, therefore most people from Methuen, MA are stupid.

***Editor's note: I would like to give myself mad props for inadvertently making two (count 'em, two) references to "Blazing Saddles" in this pathetic blog. "Of course, you'll have the good taste not to mention we spoke."***