A few days ago, I received an email from my pal Suzie in Boston. Normally, her emailing me would not be worthy of mention in this sanctimonious forum, but the email she sent was a forward called “HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?” Basically, the email was like many others you and I have gotten from many people, listing interesting and cute facts like the origin of the fountain pen or how Joe DiMaggio collected toads and named them all “Stevie.” Most of the “facts” included in these emails are totally untrue, while many contain grains of truth, which make them seem believable. Lies like these are perpetuated by morons and half-wits that like to pretend they’ve read a book, when really all they did was buy the tape.

Here’s the email I was sent, each falsehood exposed for what it is: total, unadulterated, and unmitigated bullshit.

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled

"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"

...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The origins of golf are murky at best. The Scots claim invention because of two laws from the 15th century, interestingly enough, banning a game called “gowf,” which is believed by some to be the earliest incarnation of the game. Others contend that “gowf” was another game altogether, more closely resembling field hockey than modern golf, and some cite evidence suggesting that in the 17th century, people in The Netherlands were putting balls into holes in the ground using wooden “clubs”, giving them the coveted rank of inventors. The word “golf” has its origins in the Germanic word for “club or cudgel” and has nothing to do with sex discrimination.

Source

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were:

Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

The first time a couple was shown in bed together in America was 1947, it was Mary Kay and Johnny from their short-lived program, “Mary Kay and Johnny.” While not terrifically well received, the show was ground breaking in many other ways as well. “Mary Kay and Johnny” was technically the first situation comedy ever broadcast, although the term was not be coined for many years, and was also the first show to feature a pregnant woman. I think the only reason they were able to get away with showing a couple in bed together was they were married in real life and she was seven odd months pregnant.

Source

Coca-Cola was originally green.

This is just plain not true. Coca-Cola has always been that deep brown color and probably always tasted like malted battery acid. Some “Coke Historians”(I did not make that up, that’s what they call themselves) contend that the original formula, intended as a medicinal, coca-based elixir, was made brown to hide any impurities in the drink.

Source

Something about the Coca-Cola empire has made it a prime target for bizarre, unfounded and downright retarded rumors, lies and urban legends. Performing a cursory search online reveals a hefty list of falsehoods perpetrated against Coca-Cola:

· The modern image of Santa Claus was created by Coca-Cola
· Coca-Cola is an effective spermicide.
· A tooth left in Coca-Cola will dissolve overnight.
· The phrase “Coca-Cola” in Chinese is means “bite the wax tadpole.”
· Combining aspirin and Coca-Cola will make you high (oh, brother).
· Only two people know the Coca-Cola formula, each one knows only half of it.
· Mormons own Coca-Cola
· The cursive script of the Coca-Cola label includes an image of someone snorting cocaine.
· “Little Mikey” from the LIFE cereal box died from the ingesting the explosive mixture of Coca-Cola and Pop Rocks candy.
· Coca-Cola’s script logo reveals anti-Islamic messages when viewed in a mirror.
· The Coca-Cola Corporation once donated four days worth of income to the nation of Israel.
· A university freshman once died from carbon dioxide poisoning from drinking too much Coca-Cola
· Fanta was invented by the Nazis.
· Al-Queda terrorists have poisoned one in five cans of Coca-Cola with anthrax.

…and the list goes on and on. My favorite is definitely the one about Mikey from LIFE cereal. Mr. John Gilchrist is quite alive and well and is currently an advertising executive for a New York radio station. Who the fuck comes up with this crap!?

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

At first, I thought this might actually be true. After five solid minutes of trying, I failed to lick my own elbow. Needless to say, it was the shortest amount of time I’ve ever spent trying to lick a part of my own anatomy. I was ready to concede defeat and admit the statement’s truth when I decided to run a google search. Turns out many people have gotten this stupid email and apparently many of these people can lick their own elbows. So many, in fact, that Guinness World Records receives about five emails a day from folks claiming the ability to taste their arm joint, some including photos. Guinness would like me to reiterate the statement that the ability to lick one’s elbow does not constitute a world record in any sense, and would you all please stop emailing them.

Please leave us alone.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%


Not if you count deserts, asshole.

Source

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

This has got be the stupidest thing I’ve ever read, and I sometimes read Newsweek. Firstly, isn’t “intelligence” somewhat subjective? I mean, we like to say that dolphins are intelligent, but even my stupid six year old cousin can make himself a bowl of cereal in the morning. I’ve never seen a dolphin do that. Okay, what about IQ and standardized test scores? When you took your SATs, did anyone get a hair sample from you? Not likely. And what is the insinuation here? Are people smart because of the copper and zinc in their hair, or do smart people absorb more of these minerals? Pure idiocy. I’ve heard of universities and government agencies paying to have some pretty retarded studies undertaken, but this one’s up there with that political candidate I once met in Kenmore Square that was convinced the only way to achieve world peace was to build a highway over the ocean between the U.S. and France.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

This seems to have a grain of truth, but the fact is misstated. Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain was the first published novel that was written entirely on a typewriter. This fact seems to have been based on Mark Twain’s own aged recollections. Some historians, however, seem to think the first was actually Life on the Mississippi which he wrote eight years later. I’ve also found evidence of several medical journals, trade publications and catalogs that featured articles and chapters that were composed on a typewriter a few years before Tom Sawyer’s publish date. I’ve also heard claims that the distinction went to Fanny Kemble, an actress and writer from London. There is no solid data on the matter.

Source

The San Francisco Cable Cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Not if you count boats, asshole.

The term “National Monument” is usually only used in reference to forests or geographic formations like Mt. St. Helens or Crater Lake. You can apply it to things like cable cars (depending on what country you’re in), but if you did, you’d have to apply it to the USS Kidd in Baton Rouge.

USS Kidd

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander The Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

The origin of playing cards is even more crepuscular than that of golf, mostly because there have been countless similar incarnations in China, Persia, India and several other regions. The fact is, however, is that card manufacturers in France, in an effort to differentiate their products from English and German competitors, started putting names of great historic monarchs, queens and knights on the face cards. Unfortunately, the different makers all used different names like Constantine, Solomon, Clovis and many others, including semi-fictitious characters like King Arthur and Sir Lancelot. The French stopped naming the cards in the mid 1700s.

Source

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

This one is actually true, but why it’s interesting is beyond me. Of course, why men wear black denim shorts is also beyond me.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

I’ve been hearing this one for years, and I always doubted it because of the many examples I’ve seen that don’t fit with this assertion. Here in Portland, we’ve got a huge statue of Joan of Arc in the Laurelhurst area. The horse’s front left hoof is up, as is it’s back right hoof. What the hell does that mean? Does that mean Joan of Arc was run over by a combine? Perhaps it means she ate a bad pork taco on the beach in Mexico City and contracted a brain parasite. In fact, she was burned at the stake in 1431, so I think the horse should be lying on a bed of ballpoint pens, eating a watercress sandwich and playing scrabble with Pope Pious XIV.



No other city in the world has more equestrian related statues than Washington D.C., and very few of them actually fit that paradigm.

"To the best of anyone's knowledge, the position and pose of the statue do not signify anything," said Frances Pollard, curator at the Virginia Historical Society.

Source

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 1776 : John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

The original document was signed by all on July 4, 1776, give or take a day or two. The calligraphy version, the one we all know and love, was completed on August 2, 1776 and featured all appropriate signatures by November of that year.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

Their birthplace.

I’ve looked everywhere but can find nothing to support or refute this assertion. I do know, however, that the only way one could arrive at the evidence to support this would be to mill through the U.S. Census information. Unfortunately, the census does not expressly include info on this subject. One could, I suppose, go through every person on the census (295,734,134 by latest estimate) and calculate the percentage of Americans that live within fifty miles of their birthplace. Needless to say, if this data has been obtained, I can’t find it. Also, anyone stupid enough to actually figure that out, or worse, pay someone else to do it, needs to have the zinc and copper levels in their hair tested.

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

One thousand.

This one’s actually true, unless you count “one hundred and one.”

Whoopty fucking doo.

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

All were invented by women.

Windshield wipers were, in fact, patented by a woman named Mary Anderson in 1905. I think the writer saw this fact alone as pretty thin, so he threw in a couple of half-truths and a steaming pile of bullshit there at the end.

The U.S. military invented the “bullet-resistant vest” around World War I, but even that was based on earlier silk vests available in Europe. Ironically, Franz Ferdinand, Archduke of Austria, was wearing one of these silk vests when he was shot, his assassination sparking the First World War. Obviously they needed a woman’s touch. Stephanie Kwolek, a chemist from Pennsylvania, did discover liquid-crystalline polymers, which were used to develop Kevlar in the 60’s.

The fire escape? Congratulations, you are a testament to womankind, you figured out that when a building is on fire, you should get out. Hear you roar. Unfortunately, “the fire escape” is not a patented invention, especially since their have been hundreds of variations on the theme. The closest thing I could find was an 1897 patent by Daniel McCree, a black man from Chicago, for a bundled escape ladder made from rope.

Represent, fool.

Finally, the laser printer was invented by Gary Starkweather, a researcher for Xerox, in 1971.

Source #1
Source #2

Okay, this thing could go on and on. While I was searching, I discovered countless incarnation of the same email, each claim more ridiculous than the last.

There is falsehood everywhere, and it’s your responsibility to sort through all that crap, demand evidence, reject unsubstantiated claims, and stop believing everything you read. Be a skeptic! Feel the power of your own brain! Just because some email that your Aunt Patty sent you says Pepsi is run by Nazi sympathizers from Argentina, that does not make it so.

I think, therefore I am.

In closing, I would just like to summarize the truths I have discovered while researching this blog:

· The phrase “rule of thumb” has nothing to do with the width of the stick one would use to beat his wife.
· Donald Duck cartoons were never banned in Finland.
· Marilyn Monroe had five toes on each foot.
· If you flush toilet on a plane you won’t get sucked into it.
· If you drop a penny from the Empire State Building and hit someone, you most likely won’t kill them.
· Cow farts are not the largest source of atmospheric methane.
· Two-thirds of the world’s eggplants are not grown in New Jersey.
· Winston Churchill was not born in the ladies room of a dance hall.
· Bill gates/Microsoft/AOL will never pay you anything for forwarding emails.
· There is no “E-mail Tax” being mulled by Congress.
· Alf really was a puppet.
· Acupuncture is a total scam, the same with Feng Shui, Tarot cards and Dignity Village.
· If you delete a file on your hard drive just because an email tells you to, you’re a fucking moron.
· Recycling accomplishes nothing in terms of environmental welfare.
· Reading a book is way better than hearing it.