Heck Is For People That Don't Believe in Gosh

In an effort to deeply and profoundly offend, not just my readers, but the general public as well, I’ve decided to jump on the bandwagon and acquire a tasteless t-shirt. While the visage of Che Guevera on my chest would be of ultimate affront, I’m going for more of an outward offense, and I’m frankly concerned that his scraggly beard would cause my chest to itch.
I’ve narrowed down my choices to the following four designs, and I need your help to decide which is mot likely to make strangers form a mob to burn me at the stake. I’m not merely looking to offend, I’m looking to get a law passed against whatever I wear. (Although, with the hippies and busybodies of Portland constantly trying to make all our lives “better through legislation,“ that may be easier than I would like to admit.)



Having a laugh at the disabled has always been a standby for the patently offensive, but I think this particular design takes it a few labored and shaky steps too far. That’s why I like it.



Cancer, always a crowd pleaser, but combined with the humorous thrill of child abuse, you arrive at a joke funnier than the sum of it’s parts. I think I’ll especially enjoy the looks of joy, and then the squinted eyes of derision only moments later. Cancer makes me laugh.



This is a style of humor known as the “double entendre.” I’m afraid, however, that the intricacies of French comedy will be lost on most people, but at least will still have the hilarity of cancer to fall back on. Cancer still makes me laugh.



This one, even I must admit, might be a few yards out of bounds. I mean, sure, cancer is funny as all get-out, but starving children? Let’s just say a shriveled, malnourished boy from Zimbabwe won’t be making an appearance on Saturday Night Live anytime soon, unless they can really play up those flies around his nose and eyes. Now that shit’s funny.

Please cast your votes for the most personally affronting of the bunch, and if you have a spare moment, check out T-Shirt Hell, they’ve been on a mission to offend for years now.