An Open Letter To My Jump Drive

Dear Jump Drive,

I suppose you probably think the worst part is that I didn’t even notice when you left. By the time I realized you were gone, there’s no telling how long it had been. Does this make me a negligent asshole? Probably, but after all, you’re the one who left without a word.

Okay, I’m sorry, I don’t want to make you out to be the bad guy in this. I know we had some rough times, but we had some good times too, right? Every time I had an idea for a story or a blog, I’d just pop you into the nearest computer and type a short note, then when I wanted to write a new entry for On The Rocks, I’d just pop you in again and have a wealth of ideas stored all ready to go. But now you’re gone, and you’ve taken all my ideas with you.

No, you were right that night you came home drunk. I know you apologized the next morning and said you didn’t mean what you said, but you were right. They really weren’t very good ideas, and it was too much to ask for you to schlep them around for me all the time. For that I’m sorry.


I never meant to hit you. You just pushed and pushed and pushed until I couldn’t take it anymore. You didn’t have to bring my mother into it. I know they all say that if he hits you once, he’ll hit you again, but I can promise, in the deepest cockles of my heart, perhaps in the sub-cockle area, that I would never lay a hand on you again, except in love and respect.
I know what you’re thinking. He just wants his blogs back, he just wants his work files and photos back, he just wants the 187 pages of that book he was writing back, but you’re wrong. I want you back. I want you back more than anything else. What I want back is the jingle you made as you knocked around on my keychain as we traipsed around town. I miss going everywhere with you, I mean, we were inseparable!

But now you’re gone, and you took with you not just a part of my life, you took a part of my heart as well.

So to you, my dear 512 Megabyte Relay Jump Drive, forget the problems we’ve had. Just remember the day we first met, at the Staples store in McMinnville. It was raining that day and I let you hide under my coat as we went to the car so you wouldn’t get wet.
Remember the love, and please, come back to me.

With All I Have,

Scott

What Hippies Have in Common With Child-Molesting Nazis.

There’s a kid in my Judo class named Ezekiel. If you are, perchance, asking yourself why someone would name their child "Ezekiel," all you need is one look at this poor kid’s ropey, granola-fed, patchouli-funk parents and it would all become painfully clear.

Ezekiel is about five years old, and is what can only be described as a joyless child. I know it sounds harsh, but there’s really no better way to put it. Before class starts, when all the other kids are burning off the energy from those afternoon cookies, he can generally be found sitting in the corner trying to keep his shoulder-length hair out of his eyes, hiding behind his mother’s vastly oversized, hand-knitted, fair-trade wool maternity tarp. We can presume he didn’t get any Chips Ahoy! when he got home, his parents most likely opting for the whole-grain, "celebrate diversity" rice cake with soybean butter, or something equally inappropriate and sad.

In addition to being the smelliest, Ezekiel is one of the more timid kids in the class. As such, the requirements are put upon us, the senior students, to engage the poor bastard and try to force him into having some fun and not dwelling on the four-hour speech about "sustainable living" his dad gave at the dinner mesab the night before. In Judo, the easiest thing to do to engage someone on the mat is to open your arms and ask, "Onegashimas?" (Roughly translated: "Will you teach me?).

I was tying get Ezekiel to play with the rest of us, when the instructor noticed that he wasn’t really responding. He immediately came over to Ezekiel and asked, "Onegashimas?" Ezekiel, being not only a white-belt but a five-year-old, had no idea what this meant. Seeing an opportunity to make the kid laugh, I tried to inject a joke and said, "He’s asking you if you want some french fries!"

I know, it’s not very funny, but the kid is five, should I have tried my Benny Hill routine?

Ezekiel paused, thought on this a moment, and in a very serious and practiced tone said to the both of us, "I don’t eat that kind of food."



Now, there is no doubt in my mind that this poor bastard’s parents have him practice that response on a nightly basis. "Now Ezekiel, what do we say when someone offers us food that isn’t green and organic?"

"I don’t eat that kind of food."

"Now Ezekiel, what do we say when someone insinuates that free markets and unbridled capitalism is the best avenue for freedom and individual rights?"

"You’re a fascist!"

One of the many things that makes this country the greatest on Earth, and the reason just about everyone else in the world wants to come here, is that fact that everyone has the right to live in any way they see fit, barring minimal restrictions involving property damage and public decency laws. By extension, you also have the right to raise your children in any way you see fit, barring child welfare/ endangerment statutes (or as I like to call them, the "Leonard Maltin laws). If, by some strange and cruel sociological experiment, I wished to raise my son to believe that he’s the bastard child of Jesus Christ, Garth Brooks, and a cheddar cheese log with almonds, that’s my right to do so, as long as I feed the little bugger and clean out his litter box every now and again.

The downside to this virtually inexhaustible loveable fuzzball of freedom is that, yes, in fact, everyone gets to raise their children anyway they see fit. Ezekiel’s parents have decided to shield their child from the joys of empty calories, and we can presume, Saturday morning cartoons, which no matter how bad they are these days, is tantamount to child abuse. This is, however, their right. Take for example, the dynamic and inimitable musical powerhouse known as Prussian Blue.




Prussian Blue consists of sisters Lamb and Lynx Gaede, from Central Valley, CA. They write catchy tunes, are said to have angelic voices, and are described by their manager (their mother) as "White Nationalists." In case you haven’t gotten the memo: Intelligent Design = Creationism, White Nationalism = White Supremacism.

An excerpt from PrussianBlue.com: (grammar has been unaltered)

"Recently they received international media attention because Prussian Blue is a White Pride band. The songs they the girls sing reflect their White Nationalist beliefs. Today, if you are White ,and proud to be White , it is considered Politically Incorrect by the media. The music that Prussian Blue performs is intended for White people. They hope to help fellow Whites come to understand that love for one’s race is a beautiful gift that we should celebrate."

One point of contention: these girls did not receive "international media attention" because they’re white supremacists. They received "international media attention" because they’re cute, thirteen-year-old-girl white supremacists.

One must, of course, question the origin of these beliefs. Are we to presume they sprung from the womb with the "beautiful gift" of "love for one’s race?" Of course not, just watch five minutes of video of the girls’ mother and you couldn’t pity these sweet darlings more if she was wearing a cucumber mask with metal coat hanger in one hand and a scotch in the other.



I find it particularly amusing that the fans of Prussian Blue denounce claims that they’re racists, when manifestos like "Defensive Racism" and "Dissecting the Holocaust" are proudly promoted on their website. Oh, yeah, and the Hitler t-shirts don’t help, either.



A debate that’s been raging since time immemorial is the question of nature vs. nurture. Is Arland gay because of his genes, or because he was raised with three sisters? Did Yanni hit his girlfriend because he’s "programmed" that way, or because he was hit when he was a child? Does Linsday Lohan not respond to my letters and telephone calls because she’s a lesbian? There’s a very good chance that we may never receive satisfactory answers to these questions.

My boss is a CASA here in Portland. As a Court-Appointed Special Advocate, he is injected into the lives of troubled families to make common-sense suggestions regarding the welfare of the children. Over the course of the last few years he’s been involved, he’s seen some fucked up shit. The other day, while detailing his newest case file involving a horribly abusive, pathetic excuse for a man, he mentioned that the man’s parents had been overly protective and routinely dismissive of his abusive behavior, making it easier for him, as an adult, to use violence to exact control over his wife and children.

My problem with this analysis I this: Who gives a fuck?

The debate of nature vs. nurture doesn’t even enter into this conversation. It doesn’t matter if his daddy touched him or if he was born that way, any man pathetic enough to physically and emotionally abuse his wife and children the way this man has, deserves to be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Case closed.

We can talk about genetic vs. environment until we’re blue in the face, but one thing we have to be very careful to avoid is the common pitfall of moral equivelancy. Hitting your children is wrong, and is against the law, and there is simply no justification for that type of abuse. It may be helpful in the long run to determine why he hits his kids with extension cords, but no amount of reasoning can change the facts of what he did. A half-assed reason like a history of negligence in his own childhood is no excuse and should not be viewed as one.

The fact of the matter is that we, as citizens of the greatest representative republic in the world, have the right to raise our children in virtually any way we see fit, the same way our parents had the right to raise us in any way they saw fit. Granted, some people do better jobs than others, but regardless of how it went, there comes a time when you, as an adult, have to assume respobsibility for your actions and your behavior. You can’t beat your wife just because Uncle Joey touched you in the back of his Buick back in 1958, it doesn’t fucking matter, and no amount of limp-wristed psychobabble can make it matter, at least not to this guy's wife and kids.

At thirteen years old, those poor little Gaede girls can’t be held responsible for being held hostage by their parents’ twisted views of the world. There will come a time, however, when they will be responsible for what they do with their talents, and what they choose to offer the world.

Lamb, Lynx, if you happen to be reading this, "Defensive Racism" is not the way to make your mark.

Little Ezekiel came to class recently and all his hair had been shaved off. Not only did I notice he was having more fun, he was talking more and running around like a five-year-old supposed to. I mentioned that I liked his new haircut and he looked at me and said, "I was tired of everybody thinking I was a girl."

Ezekiel: 1
Hippy Parents: 0

Update on the End of the World

Taken from Eric Julien's website:

UPDATE MAY 27, 2006: A clue to the timing of the anticipated event

Many people undoubtedly think that the announced event has fizzled and may be readjusting their outlook on life and returning their lives to normal.

I have trouble doing that when I think of all the dreams and other signs which I have witnessed that point to this event. What would otherwise be the purpose of all these warnings? (emphasis added -ed.) I know the window cannot be extended indefinitely into the future. Two of the people whom I have seen moved out of harm’s way under the pretext of a social gathering are to return home Sunday night. So I would expect Sunday to be the last possible day.

Today I made a review of all my own dreams about the event, using a chronicle written exactly three weeks ago, which has now been on the English website for two and a half weeks, to see whether there was any pattern that could be discerned.

All my dreams about this event happened on a Sunday.

Sunday Jan 18, 2004: I see planes falling from the sky and cry out to God in anguish “Do we really need to go through this?” (123)

Sunday Jan 25, 2004: The race to the closing gate dream. Also most likely date for my vision of the Texas coast red-lined to indicate danger, in direct answer to a question in prayer. (122)

Sunday Apr 04, 2004: Dream of a 500m high wave. (112)

Sunday Feb 19, 2006: Simultaneous clairvoyance and clairaudience of the words “unexpected attack” in answer to a question about what the event would be. (14)

Sunday Apr 30, 2006: Dream confirming that Eric Julien’s message, discovered the day before, would be fulfilled on the same day that it was predicted. I dreamt this on the last Sunday of the month, and tomorrow is the last Sunday of the month. Another way to look at this is that a day represents an entire month. (4)

The number in parentheses represents the number of weeks remaining before Sunday, May 28, 2006. Numbers 123, 14 and 4 are particularly interesting. Note that May 28th is the first day following 21 full weeks in 2006. (okay, seriously, what the fuck is this guy talking about? -ed.)

For more details on the dreams involved, see article below entitled "Why I think there is something to Eric Julien and his message".

(okay, seriously, you have GOT to read this article, I laughed until I puked. My favorite part is when the author cites his friend's dream about buying a new car and then just heaps it on the nonsense pile of "dream evidence" that the end is nigh. -ed.)

Note that Eric Julien received the date of May 25th in meditation two days shy of the seven week mark, which was on April 9th, 2006. (?!?!?!?!?! -ed.)

"Assuming the chain of events is completed on the 28th, I suspect that there is additional significance at various levels in the disjunct between the two dates. Several of the dreams in my account occurred on the 25th of the month, and that number also seems significant. It is possible that the comet has already struck -- Eric Julien saw it slice through the atmosphere, the ocean and the lithosphere without there being any conflagration. His original vision did not involve an immediate sequential link between the fragment and the wave; the comet was rather given subsequently as a cause of the event. I could imagine that ET's using comet fragments as weapons might have ways to send these directly through a medium such as water."

-Craig Boswell, Asshole (title added -ed.)

The End Is Near (The 711 On Powell Blvd. Near The Seafood Market )

Folks, I've got some bad news. No, Prince hasn't mentioned anything to the press about what hapenned between you two last weekend, It's much worse that that. In case you didn't know it, today is the last day in the world.

Today, March 25, 2006, is the last day of our collective lives.

Former French military air traffic controller and senior airport manager, Eric Julien, several years ago completed a study of the comet “73P Schwassmann-Wachmann” and warned us that a fragment of this "perambulating ice-ball" is highly likely to impact the Earth on or around Thursday, May 25, 2006. The cpmet, discovered by Arnold Schwassermann and Arno Arthur Wachmann in 1930, has an orbital period of just less than 5.3 years and comes nearest to the Earth every 16 years.

It has followed this five-year orbit intact for centuries, but in 1995, it mysteriously fragmented. Sure, you might say, that happens all the time, right? Yes it does, but Mr. Julien reeeeeally wants us to worry about it. He says that some fragments are too small to observe (duh. -ed.) but while astronomers have predicted possible meteor showers as some cometary debris enters the atmosphere, they tell us that the comet poses no direct threat.

Mr. Julien, however, has real evidence for his Doomsday scenario. He chooses not to rely only on paltry facts and figures, and statistics for his conclusions, he has employed the latest, greatest, and most advanced technology availbale to mankind.

This very year, a “crop circle” appeared showing the inner Solar System with the Earth missing from its orbit, he concludes that this was a message from higher intelligences warning humanity of the consequences of its destructive nuclear policies, all of this tied in to the Bush administration's policy of preemptive use of nuclear weapons against Iran and the effect of nuclear weapons on the realms of higher intelligences, blah blah blah addicted to oil blah blah blah 2/3 of the world's resources blah blah Kyoto treaty blah blah blah.

According to Mr. Julien, “We have to save lives when we have such information to share with the public."

The question you must ask yourself is, when have the crop circles ever been wrong?

Mr. Julien assures us that the comet-fragments will fall into the Atlantic Ocean between the Equator and the Tropic of Cancer, though he says that will generate 700-foot waves, so let's not start craking open the cold ones just yet. He tells us that "each person with this information has to take responsibility to warn potential victims."

Check out his article "May 25, 2006: The Day of Destiny"

Doomsayers have been around for as long as man himself, and, much like virtually every other form of hoo-ha and codswallop that people constantly fall for, they have always employed the same basic tactic: predict something catastrophically horrific that will more than likley claim millions of lives, or perhaps all of them, a reeeeally long time in the future to scare the pants off people and get the to buy your books on how to stop it. Then, assuming your even alive by the time this date rolls around, make sure to have dropped the subject and moved onto something even more catastrophic and horrible, so its not a big let down when you refuse to aswer inane questions from your detractors like, "what the fuck were you thinking?" and "can I have my eight dollars back?"

I can't decide if I feel pity for this poor French sap because he missed Successful Doomsaying for Fun and Profit 101, or if I feel slightly more respect for this guy than all the other toe-heads because even on this very day (according to him 48 window of possibility) he's still sticking to his guns

Nope, still pity.

Chuck Norris is Allergic to Doorknobs

The following list, or numerous incarnations thereof, have been circulating around the Internet for years. The other night, my good pal Luke mentioned one of the items from this list and I was reminded how much I enjoyed it the first time I'd read it. He hadn't actually ever seen the list, so I was emailing it to him, when I thought I should just post it in case any of my seven regular readers hadn't seen it. (Thanks for the cookies, Mom. - Ed.)

When searching for the list I'd read lo so many years ago, I stumbled upon numerous versions. I took three of them, pasted them together, and deleted some of the not-so-funny facts and ones that contained words like "ninja-kick" and "beard-a-licious."

After all, I have standards in this forum.

Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris:

Chuck Norris does not require oxygen to live, oxygen requires Chuck Norris.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, his Achilles heel. There is no Chuck Norris heel.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes fucking the waitress.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

They once made Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

As a teenager, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity - twice.

Outer Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Chuck Norris is not afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "people in the face".

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake ever made by a human being.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.



Chuck Norris is allergic to doorknobs, that's why he always kicks doors down.

To prove it isn't a big deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't have any hair on his balls because hair doesn't grow on steel.

Chuck Norris has to maintain concealed weapons licenses in all 50 states so he can legally wear pants.

It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you didn't want it to happen.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris only has one hand: the upper hand.

Chuck Norris always clogs the toilet. Even when he pisses.

Similar to a Russian nesting doll, if you were to break open Chuck Norris, inside you would find another Chuck Norris, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pick-up lines. He just says, "Now."

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life , Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, killing it instantly. This was to remind the crew that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll revealed that, during sex, Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time.

Chuck Norris thought about submitting more facts about himself to this website, but he doesn't believe in any form of submission.


Mr. Norris, a great sport, has posted a short response to these lists. Check it out here.

Cabbage Is Next To Godliness

Speaking to a vegan a few years ago, I asked flatly, why? She told me that she liked the way the shoes looked with the skirt. I asked again, but specified that I wanted to know why she chose to live a life absent of cheese and worcestershire sauce. She told me that, while health was certainly a component, the primary reason was that she was unwilling to support an industry that was cruel to animals, and impacted the planet in such a profoundly negative way.

The litany of complaints about the meat industry being touted by people in this group range from animal cruelty (eating them is cruel, right?) to the environmental impact on the vast areas of land required to grow the corn and grain that are needed to feed these animals, to the contamination of the earth where these animals are raised. They march and they protest, they cover themselves with red paint and stick “meat is murder” stickers on the backs of their mid-80’s Volvos and Subarus (all the while sneering at the “abortion is murder” on the family sedan in the next lane).

Lately, it would seem that the anti-meat industry has gotten pragmatic, if such a word can be applied to people that equate chicken yards to concentration camps. They seemed to realize a long time ago that trying to get people to stop eating meat “just because” wasn’t going to work. The goal now, is to hilight the evils of the industry that provides this meat, its cruelty and its souring effect on our oh-so-fragile ecology. It would seem, even, that the soy-dog-eating masses have all but left the “inhierent cruelty of meat” argument by the wayside for another argument they feel has a chance of “playing in Peoria.” One might even say, they may have put all their eggs in one basket.



What would happen if that basket was gone? Instead of harvesting meat from the corpse of an animal, what if we could grow meat, like broccoli? What if the environmental impact of meat production dropped to zero, animals were no longer “born just to die,” and a delicious rib-eye could be made to have all the nutritional value of a bunch of spinach, a bag of sweet potatoes and a watermelon all in one.

What if?

The obvious answer is that they wouldn’t care. When one part of their argument fell apart, they’d just fill it one with a new one. They would protest, in typical Luddite fashion, that this new meat was unnatural (even though they claim that eating meat itself is unnatural) and dangerous (like feeding starving Africans) and then they’d just descend into aimless ranting about all the wrongs and injustice they see in the world and blah blah blah George Bush blah blah blah organic blueberries blah blah blah healthcare for everyone blah blah blah oh sure I’ll give you a ride home, my BMW is parked over there, yeah it’s the one with the dancing bear sticker over the Tookie Williams for President sticker blah blah blah.

While I will always respect anyone’s right to eat whatever the hell they want, I find “eating as protest” about as is idiotic and vacuous as “back window of Subaru as protest.” People become vegetarian or, god help us, vegans for various reason. Some for health reasons, some commit to a life that doesn’t exploit animals for food, and some suffer from dangerous, brain eating viruses. In any case, what you put in your mouth is entirely your business, but things are never that simple.

Saying, “what you put into your mouth is your business,” is like saying, “what you like to do on Sunday mornings is your business.” While both statements are true, both betray a naïve delusion that all our lives are lived privately and what we do privately doesn’t bother anyone else.

The unavoidable equation: Food-Nazis = Jesus-Freaks.



August 2nd, 2005
Salt Lake City, Utah.
Demonstrators from organizations like PETA and the ALF (but they’re not related, not at all. Nope. Not one bit) performed “direct action” (read: chanted like crazed, meat-starved orangutans) to protest the treatment of chickens by fast-food giant KFC.

Net result: Busiest day that KFC location has seen in months.

Best line from the article: “I think there’s a place in this world for all God’s creatures, right next to the mashed potatoes.”

March 22, 2005
Washington, D.C.

Christians protest the film "Kinsey" as a "Hollywood whitewash of the man they hold largely responsible for the sexual revolution and a panoply of related ills, from high divorce rates to AIDS and child abuse."

Net Result: While I would love to say that the Christians protesting “Kinsey” made this film a hit, that would be far from the truth. The movie simply wasn’t that good. On the other hand, I guarantee about 6 of the 18 people that did see the film would not have if not for the mildly publicized discontent of some “believers.”

I’m not trying to say that everyone that protests or publicly and loudly complains about something is the same as a jesus vigilante fighting for some falsely perceived purity of culture, or some animal rights moonbat with no job. All I’m saying is that it’s high time the phalanx of morons on both sides realize that every time they speak out against something, all they’re doing is increasing awareness, and thereby increasing its sales.

There’s no such thing as bad publicity.

To be so committed to a utopian ideal that no one eats meat or no one talks about sex is idiotic, but these people will never realize it because they’re crazy, and they’re so committed and blinded by some bizarre ideal that they believe that anyone that doesn’t see things their way is simply not able to see the big picture.

Ladies and gentelman, the big picture is of a fat guy eating an eight piece bucket with extra skin and an extra large mashed potatoes while watching porn on his 52” plasma screen. Anyone that doesn’t see this is simply fooling themselves into thinking that they’re fighting war they can win. This is a cultural war, and the culture of porn and fried chicken will always win, because it's more fun than drum circles and prayer sessions.



It’s like the creationists. How can they think they’re going to win? While recently they’ve attempted to swathe their god-based creation idea in the blanket of pseudoscience, anyone with enough vitamin D can see that intelligent design (ID) is the same fucking thing. They have a pre-conceived notion, and are attempting to make the peg of all past scientific research fit into the limited confinces of ID’s poorly misshapen hole. The problem is that while ID freaks attempt to rewrite history to fit their thinly veiled ideas, science is still moving forward at an exponential rate, uncovering new evidence, and making new ideas, that are every day forming a more complete picture of the evolution of our species. Science is always moving forward, while ID has, since its inception, been backward looking. They can never possibly catch up, so what can they hope to accomplish?

Back on point, I'd merely like say, that you go ahead and eat whatever you wanna eat. Go ahead and do whatever you want with your Sunday morning. All I gotta say is that Schumacher Furs is doing better business than they have in 30 years, and I'm sure the weekly protests , and inevitable media blitz over those protests, have had nothing to do with it. Fucking morons.

Spy of the Century

When you meet new people, the invariable addition into the first round of questions is “What do you do?” I've always hated that question because I always hated being defined by “what I did.” Just because you meet some guy at a party who says he’s a chef, do you automatically assume he’s a good chef? No, chances are much higher that he sucks, otherwise why would be at the same crappy party you got invited to, right? If some gal says she’s a “Municipal Engineer,” in such a manner that is sounds capitalized, do you dare ask what exactly that means, or just continue to stare blankly at her chest and hope she walks away.

All this time I’ve had to say stuff like “I work in a café” or “I’m in data-entry” and received the appropriate scowls of derision from the chefs, Engineers and professional dog-walkers in the room as they eat the dip that I made and talk amongst themselves about how good it is.

For those of you that don’t know, I am currently employed as an adjuster. For those of you who don’t know what an adjuster is, FreshPair.com defines it as “Fine metal or plastic hardware found on garment straps that slide up and down to allow strap adjustments.” Fortunately, the Oregon Board of Insurance, a much more reliable source of information, defines an adjuster as “A person who may act either on behalf of the insurance company or the insured in settling a claim. Employee adjusters work for an insurer; independent adjusters represent the insurance company on a fee basis; and public adjusters represent the insured on a fee basis.”

For clarification, I’m an independent adjuster.

Now when I meet people at parties, I get to sit at the adult table and say, “I’m an adjuster!” The people in the room all look at me because no one asked me anything. They then invariably ask, “What’s an adjuster?” In short order, it became easier to title myself with the better-known, but smaller portion, of my job duties: Investigator.



As an adjuster, I investigate insurance claims of all kinds, from car accidents to leaky pipes, to make sure all parties are fairly treated and appropriately compensated. These duties sometimes extend into the field of workers compensation insurance, in which the insurance company might feel that a claim is fraudulent, in which they might hire us to perform surveillance on a subject to determine if they really are missing a leg, or something like that.

The first time I went on a surveillance assignment, I sat in the back of a tinted minivan with a camcorder for four hours before I concluded that the guy wasn’t home.

I had my second assignment today.

Dan, the senior investigator, and I arrived at the subject’s house at 7 a.m. I parked across the street from his house and Dan parked a block away, prepared to tail him in the event he drove off. I set up my camera, pinned some blankets to one side of the interior of the van (to make it even harder to see into the van through the already heavily tinted windows) and waited for him to come out and start doing cartwheels or chopping firewood or something.

I had received some cursory training from my boss before I went out on this assignment. My boss, a 16-year veteran of this business, showed me the tricks of keeping light out of the van, keeping a blanket handy to hide under in case anyone got really suspicious, to notify the Police of where I was in case anyone called them, that kind of stuff. The basic lesson is: Most people don’t give a shit. Unless you give someone a reason to be suspicious, they won’t give a strange vehicle in their neighborhood a second glance.

It was 7:15 a.m., and I see a woman walking by on the sidewalk across the street (not our subject) obviously on a morning stroll (and believe me, she needed it). She stopped in front of the van. “Oh shit,” I said and ducked under the blanket. I looked up a minute later, and she was gone. Ten minutes later, two more women, pretending to exercise while they drank coffee and smoked, also stopped and examined the van very intently. I was beginning to think this was unusual, not just because I had never seen this before (on the one time I’d been out before) but because this was not supposed to be happening. No one was supposed to care.

I double-checked everything, the lights were off, the blankets were covering adequately, I was behind the seat, and I was downright difficult to see. Everything seemed in order. It was 7:35 a.m.

Then they converged.



I knew I was in trouble when I saw a guy pop up next to the van and cup his hands around his eyes to see through the tinting, and then another guy popped up on the other side. I hadn’t seen them coming so they must have sneaked up on the van. I hear someone say, “It’s too dark.” Oh shit, I thought, and dived under the blanket. That’s when I saw a flashlight beam. “A camera’s rolling, but there’s no one in there.” I heard someone say in an angry and distinctly Deliverance tone. Oh fuck, I thought, this was not supposed to happen, I did everything right! What the fuck am I going to do?!

Then a kid, not more than seventeen, jumps on the hood and peers directly into the van through the crystal clear and untinted windshield. “Thar’s somebawdy in thar!” he shouted, pounding on the windshield.

Shit. Think. Shit. Think. Shit. Think.

Taps and knocks were coming on the windows, taunts like “Come on out, pussy!” and “what the fuck do you think you’re doing in front of my house?!” were being spoken only feet from where I was laying. It was then that I realized how stupid I looked. Here I was, a full grown man hiding under a blanket in the back of a mini-van while being taunted by a posse as they circled my vehicle like a scene out of West Side Story.

I sat up, and grabbed my phone to call Dan. I had dialed the first few numbers when I felt a bump that shook the van. The kid had backed his Honda in front of my van and actually touched it, to prevent me from driving away. I got Dan on the line and apprised him of the situation, he said he’d drive over and we’d caravan out. It was then that I noticed that I was surrounded by no less than eight people, including some fat fucker with no shirt, an even fatter bitch with crazy bloodshot eyes and a skinny white freak with a baseball bat. The taunts continued.



Dan arrived and I slipped into the driver’s seat and started the engine. The kid sat on the hood of the van and Jabba the Shirtless demanded that I roll down the window and answer his questions. “What the fuck are you doing here?” he asks. “Sir, we’re performing an investigation into possible criminal activity.” I said. “I’m calling the police,” he says and opens his tiny flip phone, which was dwarfed by his giant sausage-fingers (I could actually smell him at this point). By the time Dan got there, the crowd has swelled to no less than twelve people. The fat bitch with the crazy eyes and the mullet starts screaming at me, “What are you fucking casing my house? You gonna fucking rob me?!”

I bit my lip. Believe me lady, you don’t have anything I could possibly want.

“Ma’am, I assure you were not doing anything of the kind. We’re investigators, feel free to call the police, they are well aware of our presence.” Dan chimed in, looking a little freaked out by all this. “Would you mind getting off the hood of the car, please?” I politely asked the kid. “Why don’t you make me?” he responded in a perfect I-used-to-say-that-a-lot-in-eight-grade-and-everyone-was-really-scared sort of way. He followed it with a menacing by-the-way-I-never-finished-eighth-grade type of stare.

I put the van in drive with a dramatic clunk.

Jabba the Shirtless told the kid to get off the van, and I backed up to get around the douche bag’s Honda. Dan made his way to his car, and I idled out of the space as the crowd dispersed to let me pass. “You stay out of our fucking neighborhood, you motherfuckers!!” the crazy-eyed mullet bitch screamed as loud as her meth-soaked lungs would allow, throwing up a middle finger for good measure. As we drove away, I saw other similar gestures come from equally educated and well-mannered folk, as they began to crawl back to the rocks under which they lived.

About three blocks away, I pulled up next to Dan and rolled down my window. “Has anything like that ever happened to you before?” I asked. “Not in four years.” He said.

When we got back to the office, my boss called the insurance company that hired us. “Yeah, that happened to the last gal we sent out,” said the examiner. “Not so many people showed up, but she got some choice words thrown at her. I should have mentioned that the whole neighborhood is pretty paranoid.”

The best part is though, that since the whole neighborhood is so fucking paranoid, they all think they were begin surveilled, not just our subject. We got permission to take it up a notch and get a third investigator on the job. We’re taking this fucker down.

How’s that for a story to tell at a cocktail party?

An Update

The Mystery of the Microwaved Penis (TM) has been solved.

I can only hope this will help those of you most affected by this story sleep more soundly. I know I will.

A Call to Action

"Ultraviolet will be studied with great interest in the future - not for its quality or its artistic merit, but rather to discover how a turd like this was made."
-- Kevin Carr, 7M PICTURES

Last night, I went to an Oscar party. I know, I couldn’t quite believe it myself, but I really didn’t have a legitimate excuse not to attend, and there was supposed to be sushi. So, grabbed a bottle of wine, a bottle of sake, and a bottle of scotch and made my way to Penny’s house to watch a group of overpaid, under-talented hacks swish around in $180,000 dresses and tuxedos and give each other accolades as if the services they offer to the world really matter one tiny little bit. It was disguisting, and I grew more nauseous with each montage. Being as there was a montage about every three minutes, it wasn’t long before I had to leave the room. But I was torn.



I had the choice of staying the room with John Stewart desparately trying to make a career out of deadpan humor, or go into the kitchen and listen to pretentious wine girl. (Sorry Arland, I thought she was nice, and I respect the fact that it’s difficult to disconnect oneself from what you do, but she came off as a pretentious wine ass.) Do I go back to the living room and watch another montage, and then listen to John Stewart make another joke about another montage, or do I go into the kitchen and listen to ostentatious wine lady talk about wine that smells like airplane glue?

I went to the backyard.

"Wimmer [director of Ultraviolet] is so brazen that he doesn't even bother to pretend that there's an original concept here: all his ideas are borrowed from other movies that borrowed from other movies that borrowed from The Matrix, and he doesn't care who knows it."
-- MaryAnn Johanson, FLICK FILOSOPHER

There was a time when I really enjoyed the Oscars, although I really couldn’t tell you why. The pomp of the awards has always been a standard, but for some reason, there was a time when it did not affect me so much. I still remember the last Oscars ceremony I watched on purpose, in its entirety. The year was 1994, and there was no question in my mind that Shawshank Redemption would walk away with the best picture prize and Morgan Freeman would win best actor for his role in the film. But when the Hollywood Hogwash ™ that was Forrest Gump was handed those coveted trophies, I was heartbroken.

"The bad guys [in Ultraviolet] stride through spotless corridors in buildings where weirdly calm disembodied female voices say things like "Switching to emergency backup lighting system." If only I could have found the button for the emergency back-up better movie system."
-- Nell Minow, MOVIE MOM AT YAHOO! MOVIES

Well into the ceremonies, having successfully avoided them for several hours, the sushi finally arrived. Arland and I realized that there was probably not enough to feed all of us, so Arland has the bright idea of going down the street to the sports bar and getting some nachos. If you’ve never had the nachos from The Scoreboard, you have not tasted nachos. Needless to say, the plan was a go.

We trekked down the street the couple of blocks to the bar, all the while complaining about the tripe that’s been spewing from Tinseltown for the last ten years, and me promulgating my own theory that Hollywood has officially run out of ideas.



The anxiety of it all was just beginning to wash away, like the mud off Andy Dufresne’s body when he finally escapes Shawshank, and then we entered the bar. Seventeen televisions, three of which were over 47 inches, staring me down with images of this crowd of self-important miscreants clapping for the winner for Best Picture, Crash.

My friend Arland went into a bit of a fit, being as Crash was the only one of the nominated movies he’d actually seen, a film which he described as, “craaaaaaaaaaap-uh.” The guy sitting at the bar next to turned and said, “I never saw that movie. I didn’t think it looked very good. I thought it was, like, an action movie like that movie with the bus.”

“Speed?” I asked.

“Yeah, dass right. Man that was an awesome movie.” He replied.

It was then that I told Arland that I was looking forward to the news reports on Monday morning, the same reports we’ve seen every Monday morning following the Oscars since 1998, that once again, the rating are down. I always found it so amusing that each year, the Oscars got longer, and fewer people watched them.

This year was only a slight exception: They weren’t much longer, but fewer people than ever tuned in.

"The violence [in Ultraviolet] is presented in such a childish fashion, that it has all the impact of a Pokemon battle."
-- Joshua Tyler, CINEMABLEND.COM

Okay, so it’s time to get real.

Kyle Smith wrote an article for the Wall Street Journal entitled, “The Real History of the Olympics, and Why They Should Come to an End." In the article, Smith makes the point that the modern Olympic games were originally and specifically intended to prevent armed conflict in the world, allowing nations to meet their best against the best of their rivals. This, of course, is complete bullshit, as the Olympics has done nothing to limit armed conflict, and in fact has only provided another forum for national rivalries to be agitated.



Smith states that the Olympic games are, at best, zero-sum, filled with scandal, intimidation and poor sportsmanship from front to back. To make matters worse, the television ratings for Olympic events has dropped each and every year for the last sixteen. His solution: cancel the games. They do more to promote national rivalries than quell them, and nobody watches them anyway. And seriously, does anyone really think curling is an Olympic sport?

I would like to take this idea even further, a task with which I feel entirely comfortable because Kyle Smith, the author of the above-mentioned article, is actually a movie critic for the New York Post. The ceremonies are rife with corruption, nepotism, negativity, childish rivalry and misguided political and social activism. No one watches anymore, and no one cares. In order to promote a more harmonious movie-going public, I implore you, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, please cancel the Oscars.

"[Ultraviolet is] an unholy combination of comic book and video game,...so awful that you'd swear it had been directed by Uwe Boll."
-- Frank Swietek, ONE GUY'S OPINION

Also, in a related action, if you would like to sign the petition to ask Uwe Boll to never direct another film ever again, please do so here.

Shocking Human Behavior: Incident #34,855,548,425,967

Pittsburgh, PA
Friday, February 24, 2006

A clerk at a GetGo station made a horrifying discovery last night after a man walked into the minimart and asked her to heat something wrapped in a paper towel in the store's microwave.

When the item in the microwave gave off an unusual odor, the clerk opened the over door, unwrapped the paper and found what appeared to be a severed human penis, according to KDKA-TV.

The clerk immediately called police, but the man who handed the item to the clerk fled from the store on Fifth Avenue, KDKA reported.

McKeesport police declined comment last night.

Several questions lay heavy on my mind:

1. What....the....fuck.

2. What kind of irresponsible news organization would print such a gruesome story without a shred of substantiation? (I refer you to the word “appeared.” For all we know, this thing could be a pickled pig’s foot, or worse, Dennis Kucinich.)



3. What...the...holy flippin’ fuck.

4. Do people routinely waltz into convenience stores with random things wrapped in paper towels and request that they be microwaved?

5. Are these mysterious items often placed in a microwave by the store staff without even a cursory examination? If so, why don’t we see more stories about squirrels being microwaved?

6. If it truly was a severed penis, wouldn’t there have been blood on the paper towel? (this, of course, lends credence to the pickled pig’s foot/ Dennis Kucinich theory)

7. Okay...seriously...what the fuck?

What I find even more shocking is that I’m even shocked anymore.

Do It Yourself, and Be Ridiculed

I work in a really small office, only four other people, and because of the nature of what we do, two or three of us could be out at any given time. We’re all friends, and our familiarity routinely leads to us wasting time chatting about movies, current events and breakfast cereals.

There’s only one girl in the office, she’s our Administrative Professional (read: secretary) and her name is Jessica. Jessica was telling us about her new boyfriend the other day. His name is Perry. Perry is twenty-four years old, is a graduate of the Computer Science Department of Wesleyan, and currently is the manager of a bike shop here in Portland.

Also, he roasts his own coffee.

“He does what?” you probably just asked.

He roasts his own coffee. He orders raw, green coffee from suppliers in South America and Asia, and roasts these beans at home in his electric table-top roaster. He keeps recipes, additives and roast times in a notebook and apparently takes great pride in this hobby.

I imagine my response to this statement was the same as yours would have been. “Is this guy some kind of an asshole?” I asked, genuinely interested. “You know, I’ve never really liked you,” Jessica responded.



I found myself in a bit of a pickle, and I would hoping one of my seven readers could help out. I know full well that roasting your own coffee is weird, but I can’t put my finger directly on why.

I’ve made beer before, and frankly, when someone tells me they make beer, I feel an instant fraternity with that person. I also make jam, I pickle vegetables, my wife makes soap and candles, why is coffee so weird?

Here’s the conclusion I came to: When I make beer, or jam, or whatever, I usually pick or grow as many of the ingredients as I can, or in the case of beer-making, I obtain the ingredients from a nearby brew shop. Coffee beans can only be grown in a few, select regions of the world, and you can’t exactly buy green coffee beans from the 7-11. It has to be something about the amount of effort this guy has to put into it that makes this weird.

I mean, it would be weird if I made my own cheese, right? I’m sure it would be cheaper in the long run, because I really love cheese, but would it be worth the stigma of being “that cheese guy?” Would it be worth building a tiny cheese factory in my backyard. Would I milk my own cows? The fact of the matter is that cheese, like coffee, is extraordinarily popular throughout the whole world. Coffee, either the beverage or the beans, can be obtained virtually anywhere, especially here in Portland. 7-11, Plaid Pantry, Starbucks, Stumptown, and every grocery store, restaurant, and street side booth in the industrialized world serves coffee in one form or another. Not even cheese is that universally available.

Am I wrong? Is it not weird to roast your own coffee? Would it be weird to make your own cheese?

When Jesscia told us about Perry’s strange hobbies, I made a comparison that I realize now was not entirely fair. I told her roasting your own coffee was like fermenting your own mead, it’s just plain weird. I understand that was not entirely appropriate, because someone who drinks mead is weird, let alone someone who drinks so much he might see an economic benefit to fermenting his own. Roasting your own coffee, in my opinion, is like making your own tortilla chips. Sure, they probably taste better, and if you ate a shit load of tortilla chips, then it would probably be cheaper in the long run. But tortilla chips, in all different varieties of flavor, shape and thickness, can be purchased a minimal cost all over town. Regardless of the taste and economic advantages, it’s just weird. Just go buy a damned bag of chips!

So, what do you guys think?

Karate is Stupid

As I'm sure most of you know, Canada's Constitution does no include an equivalent to our First Amendment right to free speech. As a result, the government routinely silences the media for the "common good," but more often than not, in true Canadian fashion, they'll simply politely ask the news outlets not to report some big story for one reason or another. The most famous incident was several years ago when a serial rapist/ murderer was prowling the rural highways of western Canada. The government simply asked the news outlets not to tell anyone about it, for fear of causing a nationwide panic.

Of course, for us in America, that's just par for the course on Tuesday's edition of "Good Morning America."

I hate censorship in all its forms, and like most truly egregious crimes, true censorship can only really be perpetrated by a government body. But why, oh why doesn't the Canadian government start censoring stuff like this, just so I don't have to waste precious moments of my day reading, then whining about it:

Karate experts hired to control marauding parrots in New Zealand

Organizers of a vintage car rally in New Zealand have hired karate experts to protect vehicles from marauding native parrots, a news report said Friday.

About 40 members of a karate club have been enlisted to protect some 140 classic cars due to visit an alpine village near Mount Cook on New Zealand's South Island on Sunday, the New Zealand Press Association reported.

The karate experts will protect the cars from Keas, sharp-beaked native parrots which have been known to damage vehicles in their search for shiny items, NZPA said.

Denis Callesen, manager of the nearby Hermitage Hotel, said bird lovers needn't be concerned the karate experts would use martial arts moves on the parrots, which are a protected species. Their job would simply be to scare the birds away, he said.

Local wildlife ranger Ray Bellringer said the karate masters are unlikely to deter the Keas.

"They will fly around and laugh," he said.

The question is begged: If bird-lovers needn't worry about any karate moves being used on the birds, (a phrase which conjures some supremely amusing mental imagery... like Jet Li kicking a duck in the face), why the hell did they hire a bunch of "karate experts" to do the job? And if they can't use their supremely gay karate moves, what exactly are they supposed to do to scare away the birds?

I'm picturing 40 beefy guys with white karate outfits on, blacks belt tied around their waists and rising sun bandanas around their heads, going "keeyah!" over and over again while chasing a flock of sharp-beaked birds around, swinging those colorful foam noodle things that are so fun in the pool.

Karate guys are so gay.

So Close, Yet So Far Away

We’ve all imagined it. We’ve all wondered what would happen if it ever came true.

The dapper man in the shiny suit steps up to the podium, crowds of people holding signs with his name written in stark, patriotic letters with subtext like “The Choice for a Better America!” The crowd cheers, he waves them a thankful hello. The noise quiets, he turns his mouth to the hive of microphones poised near his face. “Ladies and gentlemen,” He says, “I want to promise you that as soon as I take that seat in Congress, I will immediately forget each and every one of you. I will wipe clean my memory of kissing that small child. I will intentionally forget everything I said about lowering taxes, “investing in our children” and keeping jobs in America. I will pander and bow to whatever special interests can write the largest check, I will increase the tax burden on you and your families to pay for programs no one really thinks will actually work. The media will easily pressure me into never making a firm stand on any single issue. I will authorize more spending on public education than has ever been seen in history, while the quality of that education goes down the tubes. Hell, my kids go to private school, what do I care!?”

The crowd erupts in thunderous applause.

“Furthermore,” he will continue, “I’m gonna fuck every intern that walks through he door of my office, when I’m not balling those hookers, of course.” His wife, sitting only feet away smiles and waves to the audience. He will look directly into the nearest camera, give that practiced dramatic pause and say, “Hookers that you’re gonna pay for.”



The crowd goes wild, streamers fall from the ceiling, and the national anthem begins to blare on the loudspeakers, while he places his right hand against his heart, and left hand in his pants.

What if they told us what they really stood for? What if they just came right out and said what they were really gonna do, once they got there?

We were close. We were just so very close.

Jonathan Sharkey, also known as “The Impaler” has thrown his hat, or maybe his cape, into the ring of Minnesota politics. The reason this is noteworthy is that Mr. Sharkey will be the first gubernatorial candidate in Minnesota history that, in addition to being an avid hunter, is also a vampire. The more distressing fact is that this is not the first time this has happened in the U.S., thank you very much California and Florida.

Mr. Sharkey kicked off his campaign on Friday, January 13th (of course) and will be running on the platform of “Pure Evil.” According to Mr. Sharkey, “Unlike the other candidates, I’m not going to hide my evil side.”




It’s refreshing, isn’t it?

Mr. Sharkey’s goals include legislation that will allow the public impaling of terrorists, drug dealers, rapists and other criminals, as well as an increase in veteran’s benefits. While Mr. Sharkey worships the Dark Lord Satan, Devourer of Souls, Destroyer of Light and Spoiler of Milk, he states that he has nothing against Christians. “I don’t mind Christians at all,” he explains, “But God the Father is my mortal enemy.”

When I first read this article I was ecstatic. Finally a politician I can get behind, not because I share the peculiar views of the Vampires, Witches and Pagans Party, but because he actually says what he means. He’s a freak of nature, and I probably wouldn’t be able to stand ten minutes in his company, at least he’s honest.

Or so I thought.



Mr. Sharkey is currently in custody on charges of stalking and escape. At some point during the media hullabaloo about his idiotic Vampire Governor campaign, he made the comment that he used to a professional wrestler that went by the name Rocky Flash. A grossly underpaid Sheriff’s Department dispatcher recognized the name as an alias for a man wanted in Indiana, and he was promptly arrested.

I really don’t care about the stalking and escape charges, but I could never vote for a professional wrestler.

On the Subject of Me

"I was a caesarean birth because my mother always liked that hairstyle."

Some of you know me. Some of you have never met me. Some of you who haven’t met me would like to. Many of you who have met me would like to tell those folks that would like to meet me that they shouldn’t bother. Some of you drink. Some of you don’t care. Some of you don’t drink, or care. Some of you drink, but care.

In any case, I thought with the New Year in full swing, I would take the opportunity to get a few things off my chest. Even those of you that know me (or just pretend to, in order to soak up a few fleeting moments of my perpetual spotlight) will not know some of the things I am about to reveal. I’m not proud of these facts, not am I particularly ashamed. I just thought full disclosure would be a good way to start 2006.

Please, look upon these admissions with a kind and forgiving heart, that is all that I ask.

1. I’ve never seen “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

It would seem that in order to reach the ripe old age of 25 having never seen “It’s a Wonderful Life” all the way through, you’d have to be purposely avoiding it. I assure you this is not the case. In fact, I keep meaning to watch it, on account of Jimmy Stewart being one of my favorite actors.

Of course, Luke was 23 before he saw “Jaws,” or “Rocky.” Now that’s just sad.



2. I used to think the first day of the week was called Sunday because it never rained.

On this one you’ll have to cut me some slack, I was pretty young. Also, growing up in Louisiana, we get a lot of sunny days. I just made a logical leap. Unfortunately, I made quite a fool out of myself in Sunday school when I made reference to this “fact” and its obvious connection to god’s holy day.

It was then that they told me that at seventeen years old, I no longer had a place in Sunday school.

3. I’ve always wanted to collect something.

I’ve always wanted to be one of those people that collected one type of thing. Decorative spoons, Civil War memorabilia, shrunken heads, anything really, just to have that singular reputation would be so liberating. To hear people say, “Oh, Scott? Yeah, he’s that guy with all those hippopotamus figurines, remember?”

I’ve tried numerous times over the years to become a collector of one thing or another, but have always lost interest in whatever it was I had. Inevitably, I end up with two pewter dragons, three animal bone horns, one prop from the set of “It’s a Wonderful Life,” six decorative thimbles from Niagara Falls, and no interest in any of them.

All I have now is a collection of Gideon Bibles I've pilfered from hotel rooms across the country, and frankly, even I think that's wierd.

4. My dad was a wannabe sheep rustler.

Some of you may know that I grew up on a farm-type thing in rural Louisiana. Well, we had this pen (as in a fenced-in area with a gate) but frankly I don’t remember why, because it was always empty. Sometimes, as we were leaving the house, we would see a single sheep hanging out in the pen, perhaps because my lazy-ass brother never mowed in there. My dad would command one of us to run as fast as we could to try and shut the gate and trap the sheep, but he always ran away before we could.

I have no idea where this sheep came from, or even why my dad wanted it. I even asked my dad about this a few years ago, and he feigned ignorance of the whole ordeal. Apparently, he's a liar as well as a thief.

5. I used to think there was a chance I might be Jesus.

Okay, now just bear with me on this one.

I attended Catholic school all my life, and was raised in a strict, lapsed-Catholic household. As a young boy, I was introduced to the story of Jesus, and took particular interest in the stories of Jesus’ younger years. According to the Bible (or at least how I interpreted it,) Jesus didn’t know he was the son of god until he was 30, after which he began his ministry and went around telling everyone how great it would be if everyone was nice to each other (and we all know how well that turned out).

Given the non-stop Catholic-style pulpit pounding about the inevitable return of Jesus, I logically thought that maybe one of us in the room might be him and just not know it. Maybe, I thought, he could even be me, or I could be him, or whatever.

This seemed especially feasible since, as far as I was concerned, the borders of the world were West Jennings and East Lafayette, and "Jerusalem" was as fictional a place as Castle Grayskull.

6. I really like Prince.

Granted, I was a little disillusioned when I discovered that Prince was not really a prince at all, but just some guy from Minnesota, but this did not reduce my enjoyment of that nancy-boy’s frilly, limp-wristed, falsetto, pillow-biting, but ultimately enjoyable tunes one bit. Except for the “Bat-Dance,” that was just fucking gay.



I hope these admissions and revelations have provided useful insight into the puzzle that is me, the President, CEO, CFO and Head Custodial Engineer here at the OTR Institute. I further hope that my own disclosures might compel some of you to share your own troubled pasts in this public forum.

I would also like to know if anyone else thought they might have been Jesus when they were young, because if so, that would make me feel a lot better.

There's a Christmas Party in my Pants

Christmas is upon us. It’s been approaching for some time, but we’ve all tried to wish it away, plug our fingers in our ears and hum “The Monster Mash” to keep ourselves from having to deal with it, but it didn’t work. Christmas has been stalking us for months, in the form of “The Little Drummer Boy” as sung by Jewel on the local iPod shuffle station,and it’s been tracking our scent with it’s festive nose with signs that read “Chrismuss Trees 4 Sale” on 82nd Ave.

And now, it’s found us.

Christmas is upon us, indeed.

And after it’s ripped apart our flesh, swallowed our brains and chewed on our entrails, it’ll calmly stroll away, leaving bloody footprints, leaving our mangled corpse to the hungry carrion birds, content for another year.

Okay, I still haven’t got all my shopping done, I’m a little tense. Frankly, I wish I could just bypass this whole Christmas thing and get right to New Year’s Eve. Now there’s a real holiday. Why can’t there be more booze-related holidays? Trying to limit my serious bingeing to New Year’s Eve, July 4th, President’s Day, Martin Luther King Day, Flag Day, Boxing Day, and Isaac Aasimov’s birthday just gets harder each year.

But I digress.

The OTR Institute is here to help all those unfortunate whelps that may find themselves in the same perdicament as I with our first annual OTR Institute Gift Buying Guide. This guide will allow you to give the unique gifts that people always talk about when you’re not around. The kind of gifts that ensure it will find it’s way to the back of the closet in the bathroom, and virtually guarantee that you won’t even be invited next year, so you won’t have to worry about buying another gift! Think of the money you’ll save!

So without further ado:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The OTR Institute 2005 Christmas Gift Guide for the Unique of Mind and Limited of Imagination:

The Electric Marshmallow Toaster ($19.99)



There are numerous products available on the internet (several of which appear on the 2005 OTR Gift Guide) that engender a response like that of our rock n’ roll “chaos theory” professor Dr. Malcolm in Jurassic Park. “You were all too busy trying to find if you could, you never stopped to think about whether or not your should.”

The Electric Marshmallow Toaster from Wiching Fish is a perfect example of this mentality. It would seem the creators of this fine product saw the four foot long hickory stick, used effectively to this end since the invention of the marshmallow, was seen as too cumbersome and graceless, causing them to opt for a more technologically superior solution.

Favorite quote from product description: “As seen in Wired magazine!”

The Peter Potty ($39.99)



Frankly, children scare me. The responsibility, their helplessness, their dependence on you as an adult, all of this terrifies me. Not as much, however, as their fluids. And perhaps, the only thing more fearsome than their actual fluids, are the bizarre plastic things people construct to store them: that’s right I’m talking about the potty.

The potty is a thing of the past, ladies and gentlemen, I introduce The Peter Potty!

The Peter Potty is a urinal for your young boy. Now he can go just like daddy, all over the floor!!

Favorite line from the product description: “…as parents fight against super-absorbent diapers…”

Urban Asshole Notification Cards ($7.50 for a box of 10)



Imagine that you’re walking down the sidewalk in a large, metropolitan area. You pass the exit from a parking lot, and get your ass bumped by a fuck-wad in a brand new Audi TT roadster that wasn’t even paying attention.

My pal Meghan would simply spit on the hood. If you, however, are not inclined to spit, or perhaps the dry, winter air has robbed you of that wonderful revenge juice, you would casually reach into your pocket to withdraw a piece of colorful paper, make a few scribbles with your trusty pen, and hand the driver of that car one of these.

“Congratulations, You’re an Asshole…. Let’s Discuss Why.”

Favorite line from the product description: “Assholes rarely know why they are the way they are…”

The Poops-A-Daisy ($18.95)



Do you ever read those disturbing new stories about some family’s loving cocker spaniel turning on the youngest kid for a reason no one can identify. Now we know why.

The “poopsadaisy” is like a fanny pack for your dog’s neck. What goes in the fanny pack? You guessed it, POOP!

You try and tell me that you wouldn’t snap and bite someone’s face off if they made you walk around with a bag full of your own shit tied around your neck.

Favorite line from the product description: “The Poopsadaisy’sTM patented two-pocket design will safely hold the dog's 'business'”

The MP3 Breast Implant (Price Currently Unavailable)



Admittedly, this one is still in the works, but the idea of a breast implant that plays my favorite tunes is simply too alluring. You gotta wonder if the storage capacity will be associated with the cup size…

Favorite line from the product description: “…pleasing alternative to the iPod selector wheel…”

The Dream Helmet ($29.95)



Have you ever wanted to be entirely sure that everyone on the plane you’re with thinks you’re an asshole, retard, or worse? Well, then have I got the product for you!

When a pillow or a strategically placed blanket just won’t cut it, and you’ve got thirty dollars just burning it’s way out of your pocket, you need The Dream Helmet!

The Dream Helmet is a specially designed moron-indicator and sleep aid guaranteed to provide you with the best sleep you’ve ever had on an airplane. And if you play your cards right, you may get free pudding and some flight wings form the helpful crew!

Favorite line from the product description: “The Dreamhelmet... is worth its weight in psychotropic drugs”

Poop Freeze ($8.95)



What is it about pet owners that seem to attract the most bizarre and disguisting produtcts?

You ever reached down to pick up a fresh pile of dog poop, only to have it squish in your hands like so much jello pudding?

Introducing Poop-Freeze! This patented and secret blend of aerosol, CFC’s, liquid nitrogen, herbs and spices allows you to freeze that poop, making it safe and pleasant to handle, no gloves required!

Favorite line from the product description: “a specially formulated aerosol freeze spray that, upon contact, forms a frosty film on dog poop”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I hope this first annual OTR Institute Gift Guide had been helpful and informative. I wish you all the merriest of all possible Christmases, and the happiest of all possible New Years.

Also, if you're looking for gifts for that special prostitute in your life, may I recommend www.whorepresents.com.

And if anyone is still banging their heads about what to get for me this year, in thanks for a supendous year of editorial blitzkrieg here at the OTR Institiute, I’ve still got many empty spots on my Christmas List.

But please, no more ties.

We're Talking Baseball...

I have a friend named Tommy Stive Gomez. No, that’s not a typo, his middle name is really Stive. Believe me, he’s not Scandanavian. Why his middle name is Stive is a story for another time.

My pal Tommy has a problem: He hates being sick. He doesn’t just hate it, he haaaaates it. He loathes it with a passion. He hates it, not just because being sick makes you achy, sniffly, and feel like shit, he hates it the most because some random outside force, namely the organism that is infecting his body, is dictating how he’s supposed to behave. Go to bed, his body says. Have some soup and chill, his achy muscles and stuffy nose beg of him. Tommy will hear none of it.

Now, Tommy is your average guy, he likes to drink a cold brew with some pals, occasionally raise some hell, but he’s just like the rest of us, he has his limit, but not when he’s sick.

When Tommy gets sick, he gets resentful. He hates the fact that he’s not supposed to go out and get drunk, and stay up all night and smoke opium out of a rusty spray paint can, so that’s exactly what he does. He drinks, he smokes, he has unprotected sex with parking meters. He does it all, just for the purpose of showing that microscopic, non-sentient organism he can.

It may not even be what he WANTS to do, but since his body is trying to tell him not to, and he’s knows he shouldn’t, he knows he should bow to the will of his disease and get some sleep, he’s gone get tore up.

Sometimes I feel that’s how the City of Portland handles its budget meetings. They know they shouldn’t, hell the almost can’t, but they’re gonna just cuz they’s not supposed to.

In case you guys haven’t heard, the City of Portland, “The Rose City,” the ever-so-ironically-called “City that Works,” is trying to woo the disenfranchised Florida Marlins to its moist shores. While words cannot describe how bad an idea this is, I’ll certainly try my best.

I’m not a big fan of sports in general, and four years of living within earshot of Fenway Stadium, baseball ranks pretty low on my list. (I once asked a guy in a NY Yankees jersey why he was peeing in the azaleas in front of my apartment complex, and he turned his half-opened eyes to me, pointed to his stream of kidney juice and said, “This is what I think of Boston!”)

Despite my own personal reservations, the City of Portland, a city I’ve grown to love and hate with equal fervor, simply cannot afford to build a fucking baseball stadium, end of story. And since everyone likes lists so damned much, I’ve compiled a list of reasons why:

1. The $15 million aerial tram that OHSU convinced the city to build three years ago, has become a $40 million dollar tram before ground has even been broken.

2. The City of Portland, in all their wisdom, has seen fit to pay for the campaigns of all Portland City Commissioners. A cost, I might add, imposed upon the city taxpayers without so much as a single vote from the public. Ironcially, it’s called "Voter Owned Elections."

3. Portland Public Schools is spending million of dollars to build a new school at the Columbia housing projects, EVEN THOUGH private parties offered to build the school FOR FREE!



4. Instead of paying the same property tax rate I pay, the owner of a $700,000 downtown condo in the swankiest area of town, The Pearl District, only has to pay about $200. You want to tell me Bush gives tax cuts to the rich?

5. In Portland’s decadent commitment to be as much like a cheeky European, limp-wristed, vertical-stripe wearing, no bathing, nancy-pants couture city as possible, they’ve ripped up downtown, and installed a comically ineffecient light-rail system that moves less than %1 of Portland commuters for about $100 million per mile of track.

6. In reference to item #5, the city is also trying to structure downtown to be more “pedestrian friendly,” which is another term for “car un-friendly.” This action, which has burdened already struggling businesses with enormous taxes, has further decreased the amount of people that go downtown to do ANYTHING, leading to fewer businesses downtown, more vacant office space than Portland has seen since the 70’s, and less income for the city.

7. For fuck’s sake, Multnomah County has yet to even open the BRAND NEW JAIL they just built, even though the other jails in the area are so full, convicts are being “matrixed out” at a rate not seen in history.

8. Bending over and grabbing the ankles for the wacked out environmental-nut-job mouth-breathers that stalk the streets of this city, Portland decided to pay TWO TIMES the amount a normal roof would cost, to cover the Portland and Multnomah County Building with a special, granola-based, soy-derived, hippy roof.

9. Portland is still paying for the renovation of PGE Park! A park that no one ever fucking goes to!

11. Portland has COUNTY FUNDED ACUPUNCTURE CLINICS!!!!

10. Whoever wants this fucking stadium, you get the money together and build it your goddamned selves.

OTR Institute Sociological Survey #2

Which do you think is creepier?



A) The hair
B) The teeth
C) The eyebrows
D) The earrings
C) The fact that this person is a municipal employee
D) The way his eyes follow you as you move around your
computer monitor

Read the story here...

Come All Ye Faithful

“It is happening again…” – The Giant.

I knew it was only a matter of time. We all knew, really. With the amazing ability of the human mind to convince itself of any foregone reality, it will continue to happen until we get Budweiser to stop using poison dart frog juice in their wort mixture.

Ladies and gentleman, if you needed, here it is. Proof of the existence of God. Well, maybe not of God,, perhaps just of the divinity of Jesus of Nazareth, that guy that claimed to be his son.

Jesus of Nazareth, a.k.a. Jesus Christ, The Messiah, The King of the Jews, The Lamb of God, The One True Light, has made his presence known. He has pierced the veil between our worlds, and delivered a message of hope to his flock, in these troubled times.

And where else in the world would The Great, Merciful and Benevolent Lord Jesus, who sits at the Right hand of God, in all his splendor and glory and forgiveness, and fruit bats and breakfast cereals, make his presence know, but in Texas. And where else in Texas would he choose to convey his message, seeing all the corruption in the churches, and synagogues, and temples, and old folks homes and public schools and pizza parlors and trailer parks, but on the tailgate of a 1992 Ford Ranger pickup. Forest green, of course.

Jesus Christ, the savior of mankind, he that was born to die for the sins of man, he who has redeemed us and allowed us to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, has, in all his wisdom, made his face known to the faithful, and they rejoice.



Of course, they don’t seem perturbed by the fact that no one knows for sure what Jesus looked like. None of the 150+ “pilgrims” seems particularly concerned by the fact that this image really only vaguely resembles the western cultures’ iconic image of Jesus, the one we routinely see on hologram key chains and collectible plates.

But the truly unfortunate thing is that no one seems concerned that this really isn’t the image of Jesus Christ. They are so blinded by their faith, they are willing to ignore the undeniable truth, staring them in the face like a mud stain on the back of a truck.

That’s a picture of Destro.



Destro, high in the pantheon of G. I. Joe villains, in all his wisdom and glory, has finally chosen to make his presence known. By revealing his face on the back of this truck in Texas, he is reassuring us, in this troubled time that we need not fear. We needn’t fear Islamo-fascism, nor Communist China, we need not even fear invasion from outer space.

We must only fear the iron-fisted rule of Cobra.

These are, indeed, the end times. Soon we will witness the other signs of the apocalypse: Cobra Commander’s serpentine hiss will be heard over the loudspeaker at a very important Manchester United football game, Tomax and Xamot will be spotted shopping for matching Skechers at the Filene’s Basement in Cleveland, and finally The Baroness herself will run for Water and Sewer Commisioner of San Miquel County, New Mexico under the Green Party ticket.

Didn't you always assume the end of all life, freedom and happiness in the world would somehow involve the Green Party?

Repent, ye infidels. Abandon your puny hopes of salvation from that pathetic group of do-gooders, G. I. Joe. Not even they, with their wicked-cool gadgets and unquenchable desire to “do the right thing” and “knowing is half the battle” can save you now!

In the name of the Emperor, the Commander and our Serpentor Lord, Amen.

The Unbearable Coldness of Onion Rings

I love humanity, but I hate people. It seems no matter how incredibly disappointed I become in the actions of some of the humans on this planet, some other depressing story hits the news wires and I sink just a little lower. That group of guys that beat their neighbor’s daughter’s pet pygmy goat to death with sticks to sell the meat for cocaine, the Muslims that successfully won a lawsuit to ban Winnie the Pooh piglet dolls from their workplace, just about ANY news story involving Ingrid Newkirk. And list just goes on. A few more stories like those and I’ll be officially applying to be a member of whatever species Jackie Stallone is.



But funny factoids, everybody loves them. Especially, it seems, if they’re not true. Like the urban legend that the day of the Superbowl features the highest number of domestic abuse complaints, or that the day after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year.

Well, here’s a little factoid for you people, and you can take this one to the bank.

What day of the year features the highest number of calls to 911 Emergency Dispatch?

The day after Christmas.

Why the day after Christmas, you ask? Well, grab that mouthpiece and start squeezing that stress pillow because I’m about to tell you.

Everyone wants to test out their new cell phones, and apparently, that’s the only number they can skim off the top of their pointy little heads.



The abuse of the most important emergency service in this country has gotten a bit out of control. Just do a preliminary search online and you’ll find endless stories about people calling 911 because the guy that cleaned their carpets at the car wash left muddy footprints on the back seat, or some guy was yelling at his dog. I even found a story about a man that called 911 and asked them to connect him to Switzerland. I also found a story about a woman that called 911 and asked for the police to go by her ex-boyfriend’s house and see if there were any cars in his driveway other than his own.

I know these people don’t read this blog. Frankly, I’m certain these people can’t even read. But for the love of all that is true and right and reproducible in a controlled laboratory environment, you people have got to stop! It gets worse every year, which is no surprise, because more and more people get cellphones each year. Is this really the only number you can think of? Holy fucking shit!

As if the New Orleans Saints weren’t enough, a woman in Thibodeaux, LA decided to further shame the state of Louisiana by calling 911 in response to the life-threatening emergency of being served cold onion rings.

So spread the word everybody. When you get served cold onion rings, get cut off on the highway, stub your toe on the edge of your dresser on a cold morning, find a pile of cat puke on your bathroom floor, or notice the guy at Burger King handling the lettuce without gloves, try to keep your hand away from the cell phone. If you get cornered by Jackie Stallone, though, you call that number.

I always really hate it when bloggers blog about not having enough time to blog. It seems so self-centered and egotistical, as if the world is waiting with bated breath for your mind-numbing analysis of the most recent Spyro the Dragon video game or latest presidential speech.

What I hate even more, however, is when bloggers blog in apology for not blogging, imagining their handful of readers gnashing their teeth and pulling their hair for lack of their quasi-weekly retort on this week’s episode of “Lost.”

As they say, you always become what you hate.

My life has been a mess lately. I’m very busy doing spy-type things all over the state, and frankly my duties involve visiting the houses of far too many nefarious individuals shaking and sweating as they recount their obvious lies of injuries and loss. The funny part is when I ask them if I can take a photo of their injuries, and they lift up their shirts, point to a virgin patch of skin and remark, "Healed up real nice, didn't it?"

My lovely wife and I have also been busy in preparation of the final arrival of Luke of Useless and Pointless Knowledge and his beautiful wife Lindsey. Their lumpy, oversized, squishy, basketball shaped kitty will be tucked under their arms when they arrive. I can only hope his presence hasn’t increased their gas costs too far over the projections.



In any case, I’m working on several great pieces that feature the boundless humor, scathing insight and gratuitous laughs at other people’s expense that all five of my readers have come to love. Especially you, Mom.

Tomorrow, however, I have to drive to Bend to photograph the floor underneath some woman’s refrigerator. If you’re luck, maybe I’ll post those photos.